Whisper words of wisdom, let me be....

Very rarely do I sit down at the computer to write a blog and find myself without words. It is even more rare that when I do find words and type them, that I then find them unsatisfactory and delete my first sentence like ten different times - hating each opening line more than the previous.
See, I hate that line. I want to delete it, but that would just be stupid at this point - I am tired of wasting time I don't have today - tonight - whatever it is now....
I am not exactly in a bad mood. I am most definitely not in a good mood. Nothing in particular is "wrong" - I just don't feel right today - I don't feel like I belong inside my own self - the skin I'm in feels foreign.
This happens to me about once a month and is surely related to being a woman.
I don't have PMS anymore - I get the "ovulatory rage" - except lately it isn't exactly rage, it is more like right now - disconnected....
I think I want to cry right now, but am fully aware that I have no reason to be crying about anything.
I want to crawl into a hole - but, I couldn't tell you what I would be hiding from if I did.
I am in a mood that has had me in it's death grip all day and yet, is still, completely undefined.
Like I said - not bad, definitely not good.
I am tired.
I am a little overwhelmed.
I did walk out of my math exam today in tears.
I have had a lot on my mind - maybe today I have just slowed down enough from the frantic pace of "productive Deb" to self evaluate, minus the old self deprecate.
For example, I did acknowledge earlier this morning, that - get ready...I am not enjoying school much this semester.
I really don't even care about it and this is just plain weird and disappointing.
I read Homer and I don't give a rats ass or feel even slightly connected to Odysseus.
I sit in English and I don't care about the literature - I would rather be working on my own. Like I literally sit in class and write my own shit and have half an ear on my Professor's voice.
Would rather discuss my manuscript with him - don't care too much about Phyllis Wheatley.
(Did I even spell her name right??? I don't think so - sigh.)
And....worst of all worst - I am addicted to cheez- it's and regard the snack machine as the very best thing about college right now.
Oh my....
And I don't feel the need to react to those statements any further - I simply cannot type efficiently with my hand in a cheez-it bag....
I do wish I had a heaping plate of fettuccine alfredo in front of me though, and a dark red and a triple decker chocolate cake and a cappuccino.
It's just me though, my red bag of gluten laden carbs and my vitamin water and my post ovulatory rage downgraded to 'not bad but not good either'....
And I literally, just poured the crumbs into my mouth right here in front of everyone at the computer lab.
Yup I am in rare, rare shape.
Not bad, but not good either.
Just am - that's me today -
In spite of, or in light of (take your pick) my apathy, I would say I am hangin' in okay though.
No rage and no tears - no self deprecation - no woe is me - no cigarettes - no screaming - no 7 course meal of pure gluttony.
with the exception of the cheez its, I am handling my emotional flat line quite well -
I am outside myself writing about it and don't really care what this says and yet, for the sake of being truthfully me (even when it's funky) I just write on and share.
I just thought of something good to say -
I wish that what I now know, who I now am, had come earlier in life so that I would have more time to enjoy being me, even on days like today when I don't feel so usual, or, the slightest bit unusual or, much of anything.
The younger me (even like the 6 months ago me) would have turned this feeling inside out seeking a fix - the wiser more comfortable with me, me - is just like, who gives a shit?
It's not bad, not good, but it is SOMETHING...
And for that, I appreciatively, respectfully and apathetically, just let me be me.


And yes, I do want more cheez-its.