what I do best.

Tonight as I was driving home from a great and productive day at work, I found myself smiling a perfect smile, one that spread across my face an overflowing stream of joy. I was listening to Dave and Tim live at Radio City Music hall, Dave was talking about a soldier that had been injured in Iraq and when he was greeted a homecoming - it came with a loss of his pension because of a pre-existing condition of depression. How the depression correlates to the bomb hitting your tank I wondered too..... It wasn't that made me smile. It was what he said next "you have to honor the people that give their lives so completely to the cause, because....they BELIEVE"....Then I thought about last week when I stood in my store, hands on my hips, eyes searching past the glass at nothingness, searching for some comfort out on the brick, on the wind, somewhere, anywhere. I said aloud to myself and I guess Rachel too, "I wonder where Dave is today?" Later that hopeless afternoon as I struggled not to pass out in the heat that bore down on my body that had not kept down actual food in days, I was accosted by a very aggressive, very large, very vibrant butterfly. It flew at me like a dive bomber trying to intimidate the enemy. It continued to swoop and attack, flying all about my hair as though it were the leaves on a butterfly bush. It flew at me like it was coming home and couldn't get through the front door fast enough - fast enough to stand still and see that smile.....It was unwilling to move on from me, it relentlessly expressed it's combative devotion. Finally I realized that my one true love was in the wings and mind of that butterfly, he was comforting me on the bricks where I knew it was waiting for me. I smiled to myself as much of a smile as I could force and it fluttered my hair again, approving of my acknowledgment. I moved on feeling as though the visit had made it's point. Yeah. But No. As I walked on, just ten feet before the door to the shop, I looked up and squinted into the sunspot that dazzled on my eyelashes like diamonds in candlelight - and I saw him there - his face, looking inquisitively as the woman with a fierce side bun, squinting directly into the black abyss of perfect, that was his pupils. There he was, My DAVE..... Now for those of you who know me, you know me seeing Dave is no big deal - I kissed him passionately once upon a Summer night, left with a self portrait that still hangs in my living room....It's not a big deal because Dave and I have danced this dance for years and Charlottesville in the Mountains is where he calls home. The fact that I happen to live in my musical hero's hometown really is not a coincidence. Hello. Dave Matthews called me here himself and I know it and so does everyone who knows me. I have that kind of life - the one where your hero actually rubs elbows with you, just because of proximity....At any rate, it IS a big deal that he came when I called.....He answered back when I asked - where are you today Dave??? He was with me and my butterfly. Where else would he be???? I know that those of you who have never gazed once upon my face in the flesh will not understand the beauty of my spirit - how it is raw purity and unassuming. when I say where else would he be, I mean that because raw souls know when another purist is in need and they always come - that is the reason for my car smile which I told you about way back at the beginning of this masterpiece. .. I smiled because I am one of the lucky ones who know what it is to call, and know just as likely what it is to receive, and the that exchange is perfection, because we live life wanting to understand and spread the good word.... After I arrived at Dan's to drop of Matt's math book which he left at my house, I had a moment that made me have to bend, head to knees and breathe straight up through my calf muscles, a backwards breath at best, and one I hoped somehow I could make fit purely out of need and desperation. As I pulled around the corner, I saw her there playing in the green grass - she lit up like a firefly at midnight during a lunar eclipse. Her smile spread exactly like mine does as I access real joy. Her eyes said "Momma" first, them her freckles, than her mouth, than her arms and her hands, fingers - "MOMMA" As she jogged along side the B2FLMS, her hair blew behind her and I saw her running alongside of a pick up truck, a devastatingly handsome young man smiling back through the open window, leaning into all her glory to get the full effect. I had a massive panic attack dead on the spot. I threw my purse down on Dan's table and found him out back sitting and looking at the sunset - I put on one of my finest monologues for him, taking him down the path of how fast it is going to happen, she either goes good OR goes bad. It can happen so easily with a beautiful girl with an attitude of an undefeated prize fighter....It's happening again, ahhhhhhhhh - SHIT - FUCK AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. My daughter takes me to a place of Momma Cub that I never dreamed possible and I fear for all three of us - her, him and ME. And if he is remotely unworthy, a hint of sour on a tiny edge and I will take her out of his landscape faster that I can say "Young Man you do not want take me on." mmmmmmmmmmmmm my daughter is not for less than anything/anyone. And then when I went down the path to a place where I KNEW that would not happen with me on the watch and I began to breathe normally enough to sing. I sat down and recorded a birthday greeting for my son Brian who turned 22 today. He is with his Dad camping in Maine, not with his Ma on Vaginal Exit Remembrance Day and I admit it - I am resentful....So I did what I do and I sang him his lullaby, the one I sang religiously, everyday of his childhood. Fly me to the Moon. I sang my heart out into my cell phone and sent it off to the child who defined my new beginning and saved my very life at the moment of his birth... God do I adore my children beyond anything that I can ever conceive of imagining in my wildest dreams. I love my children and they know it as sure as Emma knows there is always a snake in the wood pile. They know because I talk to them in brush strokes and music notes. After that bout of panic passed in music, I then sang Angel from Montgomery Deb style and sent it to my wife. Earlier in the day I had called her, received her voice mail in lieu of real Mary and so out of spite I just continued to speak to her as though she were talking back or at the very least mulling it over. I went on and on, acknowledging all the hate in my wife missing heart.... And then, I sang HoneyHoney "don't know how" with Emma on the harmonies..... And then I told Dan that for an almost 42 year old, I have really snapped into myself and age is absolutely more than a number, it's perfecting. I feel like if I made love to a man right now - I would ruin his life forever if he could not convince me to do it again. When a woman my age finds herself, it can be ugly for those who cannot get close enough. Sorry haters, it is so abundantly and miraculously TRUE. The fine grain of all my work, experience and growth make the smooth, unbelievably smooth. Any self doubt of any kind has washed clean off me in the chaos and I have emerged in rare form. 42 is going to be a stellar year as I close the cave door tight on all my mistakes and misunderstandings. I hopefully will get to have the conversation that will free me completely and bring closure to a chapter (best selling future book) that was written under the influence...... Of.......the most self destructive inability to wave the white flag and feel love. But.....I am not in the business of convincing, it seems, I am in the business of I told you so's. And the told you so means that I have to achieve, no choice in the mix. I must and will know, as I always do, the loss is not mine because I gain at a rate that is truly inconceivable to most minds. And deep breath and smile. Not really sure where I began with this - I know that my grace began at 6am as I woke to another perfect school morning, followed up by a yard guy I know creeping along the fence on my neighbor's property - followed my some Jackson 5 I wanna be where you are - followed up by a three page letter to my co-workers letting them all know the new and improved Deb is clocking back in - to a creative revamp whirlwind with my friend and co-worker Rachel where we rocked our classy Diva all over the boutique - to tuna salad with sea salt potato chips, a cold ass diet pepsi and some very wrong chocolate chip cookies in the perfect sunlight - to a visit from my friend and wise owl David (while he fanned himself southern Belles style) - to all of what I told you after - to a phone call from my heartbroken Cali girl Sara whose evil and good is exactly like mine ten years minor, the distance between means little to the 15 years we put in. To Now. Right this second. I am smiling again. It happens a lot. It is a good place to be in, my place. If you are welcome and a regular, you will feel a protection that you will never ever ever ever doubt. If I invest in you and you are a wanter of investment - you will surpass the doubters who will then doubt why they ever doubted or if in fact they did. If I love you, really love you, you know what that means and you know that even I don't have the words. Yesssssssssss Liz, I am in love with myself and in deeper than a few weeks ago - this romance is blooming like the sunflower in the yard. And that is good. Really really good, because I am really really lucky. Lucky to have earned all that I have by a shit ton of hard work and commitment. Half assed efforts get half ass results, period. This has been a big day, I have entered the ballroom and my dress is the unique one in the room. Life requires that you hurt to grow. I have hurt a lot my entire lifetime, but as of late a whole lot as I gaze upon the divorce file that sits alongside on my Grandfathers desk where i sit here typing. I said before in a blog - all the stuff before was muscle work for now. I hurt unbearably lately - have had to give up when I don't on two men. Endured finding that what is the other half, is sometimes still not enough. My light has flickered in the storm. sigh. But life requires that we hurt in order to grow - we learn to apply - we self preserve even when we don't want to. Humph - wow. And so anyways - yeah I sing. I sold all my clothes to get rid of your smell, I smashed all the clocks that had the right time to telllll me how longgg it has been since we parted ways - don't know how to leave you when I want to stay. So go go go go on without me now, lose me in the crowd. Oh I am so so so slow moving like the south, the words stuck in my mouth. And I sing it better than her if only you could catch me on a stool in front of a microphone, a cigarette burning in one hand and brown liquor in the other. And so I smile because that is what I do best, after I sing, after I grow,after I cry.

Mary says "Are you gonna stop now?"

Hey all ya'll. So I started a blog the other night, it is now sitting in my draft box, I abandoned it mid way due to some crisis that interrupted my solitude. I was cleaning my bathroom at the time I was struck with the passion to write. I was thinking about what literature/movies - stories in general - what kind of tales engage me and get me off. My favorite movie of all time is Sophie's Choice - my favorite book as we already know, the Giving Tree and... I would far prefer watch an episode of anything documentary style on PBS than any of the other trash that exists on the boob tube. I want to spend my time in expansion - whether it is a difficult emotion I am forced to feel (like when watching Hotel Rwanda) or gaining new knowledge on a subject I know nothing or very little about. I am all about the change - even when it comes to "entertainment" I am not mindless at any given moment of any given day. This thought....bled into others about my life - about PEOPLE who stimulate me verse those who simply make me want to blow my brains out in an effort to just make the pain stop. I have no patience with stupidity - at this point in my life I think it is a safe statement to say - "never have - NEVER WILL" To clarify so I don't piss anyone off (not that I really care) I don't mean unintelligent people necessarily - you can be brilliant and stupid as fuck all rolled into one confusing package. I mean STUPID people who could give a fuck about living their lives appropriately, engaged, motivated, working towards a higher level of humanity and emotional enlightenment. I want to get to the end of my life and see an epic trail blazed behind me - not the gerbil wheel of been nowhere and going nowhere fast and exhausted. To me, the only way that this kind of epic story is built is by truly pushing the boundaries of life and humanness and expanding at each turn, gaining experience, learning from it, taking those lessons into consideration before making the next step on the long and winding road of life. My big problem with the stupid people is that I want to enlighten them myself. I want to show them the complete and utter moronic way that they are wasting their lives, I want to school them like Kindergartners - help them progress - make them see and live up to their potential. And....admittedly I get ridiculously frustrated when the morons lie, point fingers, deny and most of all refuse to accept responsibility for their lives and blame everyone but themselves for their stupidity and the lame ass way they are living. I see a problem and a theme here.....I am now one of those stupid people (or have been) for giving a shit. I have been taking real stock of my life lately - I guess death threats will do that to a girl - make her really stop and take a look, inventory what she has got. I have a lot. More than most. I am hilarious. I am smart as FUCK. I am not so bad on the eyes. I am a woman, which out the gate puts me in the higher evolved category to begin with. I am motivated as all get out and a FORCE TO BE RECKONED with. I have morals and very rarely struggle with my own morality compass. I have friends, good real true friends by the gazillions. And I have the most amazing four children on the planet (I do want to strangle any one of them on any given day, but only figuratively.) I have a job I love and have loved for fifteen years and I am kicking ass and taking names in college even with other commitments that make 20 year old college students look like they are on vacation. I am solid..... I have to stop wasting my time on the stupid and ONLY, from this point forward focus on me and my kids, my job, my education, my awesome pals, MY BOOKS.... I simply have no time to waste on anymore bullshit with anymore bullshitters even if I do SEE astounding potential. Fuck their potential, I think my energy is better spent on my own, which in turn benefits my babes and everyone else who is invested in my epic story. It is epic - has been and will be. But...I want it to end well. I want to get to the final chapter/scene and I want it to be a fitting conclusion. I love Sophie and I get why she committed suicide next to her bi-polar abusive lover. I get it. I feel it. But.....I don't want to be her. Yesterday on the phone Mary was talking to me all matriarchal like, running her gums as though she is the stable one and I am the loose cannon trying to change the world while she watches on shaking her head in disbelief and admiration. I started laughing may ass off and kept interrupting her as she was trying to get me to admit some fault about something I wanted no part in admitting. I said "I can see us now, you in your wheel chair, black hair in a tight bun, a high neck collar with a cameo, all back straight and curt. Lecturing me in that Mother voice. Then I pictured myself. Hair all crazy, one slipper on, one slipper off, sparkly nail polish on my elderly twisted toes, half assed in my wheel chair throwing punches at an orderly and calling someone a moronic asshole while simultaneously flirting with someones grandson still believing that I got even when I don't. I WANT THAT SO BADLY. I want a zillion grandchildren and a billion great grandchildren. I want to watch my kids work through the struggles of their own lives successfully and go on to make me proud of their own personal evolutions. I want to be here and be ENGAGED in my own life - I no longer want to give a shit about people who don't get it all - see it all - want it all. FUCK THEM. They are a waste of my time. I have it all right here in my home - DOROTHY..... I don't NEED for anyone else to get that as long as I do. And I do. I sent my boss an email yesterday letting her know that I work to like a third of my potential and that this is not acceptable - I want those around me to make me strive to do my best for me and for noone else at this point. HOLD ME ACCOUNTABLE FOR MY LIFE. The chosen ones who are already in my circle will always get the "hand up" from me, I will always invest in them - BUT.....I will no longer waste my time on people who would rather waste their lives in denial, because that my friends, is a waste of my personal potential and I have so much to do before the fun begins at the nursing home. I cannot wait to really have NO FILTER and scream at the top of my lungs about how stupid everyone else really is. I will let all the dumbasses believe it is the Alzheimers but the smart people will know I have reached the point where I literally have nothing to lose and just plainly don't give a Motherfucking fuck.

Double Stuff

It's been a while I know....Laying low, trying to get back to a normal life less a very specific brand of crazy. I feel better every day, every hour that passes in silence, I feel like I can finally hear myself again in the days of quiet. What I hear today is a lot of sneezing (Emma gave me her cold) and the voice in my head railing against double standards.....Nothing pisses me off more than double standards. I love how men can do whatever the fuck they want, cheat, lie, threaten, intimidate, insult, bully etc. etc. BUT when a woman fights against those things as hard core as she is assaulted with them, she is deemed CRAZY. Well, only the people who commit the list call the names, but still DAMN....I can't stand the dish without the take. It really pisses me off. If I am threatened to be hurt, done bodily harm, killed even - in a country where I pay my taxes and should be free to enjoy the Liberty that my Grandfather fought for, enjoy my God given right to live - well I will be damned to not fight back and say NO it is not okay for me to be bullied. Not me or any other woman for that matter - what kind of example would I set for my daughter sitting idle while her potential is being threatened. Um no - I am a woman, a human being, an American citizen and a democrat to boot. Do not threaten my liberties and...go ahead call me crazy if you will...I really do not care one bit. You got a problem with my standards??? - you definitely commit the offenses of the list above. (cheat lie threaten intimidate insult bully etc. etc.) F that. Today my dearest friend Rachel said she had a message for me - the message had to do with not sabotaging my own voice and being a mouth piece for God. I love Rachel - love that she referred to me as a "mouth piece" - hilarious. I get her drift though - brought my "message" which came in the form of a fax while at work, HOME with me to add it to my fortune collection. I collect fortune cookie fortunes, keep them in a crystal box for safe cataloging. I have has some seriously bad ass fortunes lately. I have been craving lo mein noodles a lot, sue me. THE TIME IS AT HAND was how my Rachel message/fortune ended. I think she may be exactly right.....Gotta take care of this mouth piece, it has important shit to say. On a not a double standard or fortune note - I would like to say that watching my daughter swim in JSL's last Friday was one of the most amazing experiences to date. Her tenacity is just awe inspiring, she is a fighter and a competitor a true sportswoman, simply put - my pride and joy. Watching her fight her way down the lane is just the most awesome feeling ever. It's my accomplishment cause she is my baby girl and yet it is all on her - all her doing and she owns herself in those moments so well that it is hard not to explode with pride watching my baby become her very own hard core girl. She is something else my girl - so proud of her, her efforts, her accomplishments, her attitude - so very proud. I am also proud as heck to be part of the swim team family. Our little team family is something else - my daughters coaches the BEST bunch of kids walking the planet. They are the most devoted, genuine, loving, inspiring group of teenagers I have ever had the pleasure of knowing - I feel so lucky for Emma to have their influence and support, their mentoring but also grateful as heck to be loved by them myself and to love them all individually as well. Swim meets are family time :) And with that I guess I have no more to say for tonight, the glare from the computer screen is giving me a major headache. I am praying for the peace to continue, and that it will settle down on fighting hearts and there will be surrender. Kids need peace, adults need peace, it's the only healthy way. I also really want some chili chocolate or peanut m&m's.... I black out the windows and he bolts up the doors, I'm wound up with thinkin' and he sleeps on the floor, he kisses like a masochist and I'm better off alone, real love is harder than I ever could have known - honeyhoney

The Cave

Good Morning, wow it has been a long time since I started with such a normal greeting.....Hey All. So just now I changed my facebook picture and also hit the Allman Brothers "Melissa" on my ipod. I am singing aloud at the kitchen table while the kids sleep watching the comments roll in on facebook regarding my picture. It's Halloween last year - I was the RED QUEEN "off with her head!" My sweet Emma was Alice, her Dad was the Mad Hatter, Matt was a BlACK Jack from a playing card and Lauren (Emma's BFF) was the WHITE QUEEN. We were so badass it wasn't even funny - we all took on our roles so effortlessly - I kinda think Emma should change her name to Alice, like for real. And what exactly is in her little bottle anyways? I made each and every costume (less Lauren's) by hand. Thrift stored the under garments and then got to work with hot glue and materials - playing cards got hand stitched on to my dress meticulously. I wanted them to woosh when I walked for added badassness. It was pretty awesome. The year before we were a family of Monsters and again - believable to disbelief. Our make up was off the hook, a benefit of growing up on a stage. One of my favorite years was when Emma and Matt were Queen Guinevere and Lancelot. I was Velma from Scooby Doo - I looked like I walked out of the cartoon, hilarious. I went to have lunch with Gwen and Lance that day in full costume with my giant scooby Doo under my arm, a box of scooby snacks in hand. Nothing quite like walking through an elementary school as the awkward, brilliant crime fighter - Jinkies. It was so much fun, making the kids laugh or double take - the pointing. My kids love when I show up at school causing the coolest scene. Like the time I volunteered to be the girl in the sword box at the illusionist show we went to last year - I yelled to them from the stage, "I love you kids, don't forget me." and blew kisses to the audience as I bowed for my last curtain call. I could see Emma from inside the box - she thought I was going to be sliced to pieces for real - the smile on her face to find me still whole and laughing with the magician - a priceless moment in my life. Mom is whole - JOY. It was awesome. I was just now remembering how later in the Velma Halloween day,I took the brats out to Gordonsville to see Nana and Papa at the nursing home. Nana was in love with the queen and her secret love - she swore all that holiday season that there was an ornament on the Christmas tree in the sun room of Emma and Matthew as Lancelot and Guinevere.... There wasn't really but in her head it was there every day and she could see it. (God Bless my Nan, I miss her so much...) At any rate - I go all out. Always have. When I do something I spare no small detail. I was just thinking I really hope I write that way? I really hope you guys get in the grain - like my new blog photo. My favorite detail, the beach sand lingering on my toes. That was why I chose it - the graininess that makes up the back story that really is more important than anything surface. Mumford and Sons just came on, my IPOD is shuffling now - luck of the draw. "And I need to know how to live my life as it's meant to be" "And I will hold on hope and I won't let you choke on the noose around your neck" "And I will know my name" And with that I feel the need to find a door frame and stretch like a cat in the sunspot on the back of the couch mid afternoon. Meow. "And I'll find strength in pain, and I will change my ways".........(god I love this f'ing song.)

Becca, Ben and Deb = laughter.

I had a great night tonight, truly. After work I drove to the pizza place to grab grub for the brats, then I headed out to Ben and Becca's to hang out. Most of the night the three of us sat on the porch, me rocking steadily in what it now MY chair. It is starting to like the feel of me as much as I like the feel of it. The three of us laughed and laughed and laughed while the kids played and played, despite Ben's paranoia over the copper heads and the frog scent left on the kiddos.... Copper heads eat frogs and apparently kids. It was hotter than hell tonight and Ben kept wiping the top of his bald head with his t-shirt, bitching relentlessly about the heat. Every once in a while Rebecca would go inside and leave Ben and I alone - we began to argue instantly about the do's and the don'ts of marriage, parenting and the blended family dynamic. Ben and I argue like siblings, I always win - he always shakes his head in defeat, head hung low "I don't know Deborah" - "Sure you do Benjamin, so shut the fuck up and do the right thing...." He smiles. I decided tonight that it is very possible Ben and I were brother and sister in a different life - we have a great friendship, one that just grows more steadily. He makes me laugh hysterically - sometimes he says the funniest shit - but mostly I laugh because he laughs at me - can never believe the shit that comes out of my mouth, the layered and perfect way my brain works - a story teller with a big freaking mouth just like him. We are brother and sister - I am the the older sibling and I am the alpha female so he has to listen. I always tell him how it is and...that if he hurts Rebecca I am going to have to Selph him and cut his head off for real, for real. Ben is husband to one of my dearest friends, sure - but I will cut him, no doubt if he does my Becca wrong....He won't, if not for his immense love for her and desire to do right by - but for fear of me, especially now that he has seen me in fighter mode - he is genuinely surprised by bravery and badassness, maybe my crazy is more than he expected? Becca, well not so much.... Tonight I said something so wrong it was right and we three knew it - my build up was steady, the layers working smoothly one paint stroke on top of the other - the dimension divine - when I finally hit with the punch line - finished the master piece, they were both doubled over and Rebecca said "there's the Deb I know" - You're all dying to know what I said - I cannot tell you for fear of a law suit and screen play offer - we will suffice it to say Norman Bates came up and a particular reverse cowgirl. Ben actually said, "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA a little pee came out" Becca knows my hilarity and also knows my toughness. She always has, she has been one of my most consistent cheerleaders. She is far more reserved that me, she is the observer type, she takes every single thing in. So funny, when we were gym rats years ago - the two baddest ass chicks there - other people were actually intimidated by us - me and my out going self and Becca and her quiet watchful self. People were always wondering what we were up to.... she and I have been through so much - endured so much by each others sides. Tonight watching Gabrielle as she sat on the arm of Rebecca's chair - I saw Gabs little - six years ago - she was little. Now she is a pre-teen and looking like one - before we know it she will be sipping a glass of red with Rebecca and I at some restaurant talking about college and her newest boyfriend - Time it sure does tick on. Several times tonight I thought about how sad it was that there were four people missing from this scene. The group of us would have laughed so much - had so much fun - grown ups and kids all in love. I was sad for what he was missing, what he has given up that he never even realized he had. Friendship - real friendship is fantastic. He never got to hear Ben and I argue like siblings - he would have loved that as much as Ben and I do. How nice it would have been for the four of us to return to the porch in the summer warmth, enjoyed being adult friends and loved ones. Thing is...I get them regardless. Rebecca I will always have for she and I are family - Ben....well that m'fer gets to stick around and be my brother is he takes good care of my family - I can get a machete too Ben :) I feel lucky, even amongst the great sadness that is felt by the missing four. I know that I am true - and I know that I am valuable. I feel it there on the porch laughing my sick ass off with my friends. It was a good night despite the ghosts around the house - the ones I can feel missing me on the wind. Wind only counts for so much, real friends and real laughter count for more.... Tonight was a good night.

last word.

oh and real quick - double standards??? Fling shit all about everyone else and then cry about getting a FRACTION back? Man that's is weak. And that, is officially my last word on that gang - go away now three blind mice, no one here on my blog cares about you and your running - time's up.

just to clarify (my blog has become an episode of cheater, JMJ)

Ahhhh apparently someone thought I would stop blogging, stop writing? I think this shit is comical, really I do. My Ex boyfriend just sent me a forwarded email from his biggest enabler - it said "Her blog is still up and she's writing again....She's in love again.... With herself" I laughed my ass off so hard - coming from those two ego maniacs, that is literally hypocrisy at it's definition. I was also told by my ex that I made a fool of myself by taking down the blogs I had written when I was professing love and my desire to fight for my man. He thinks I was embarrassed by a grateful change of heart??? To clarify for the three people who read this that will think their perception is accurate (everyone else who reads knows me too well) - Um yeah I was embarrassed for sure, more ashamed than anything....I was ashamed that I allowed myself to get involved in this psycho drama that has been going on with other cast members since the first curtain was lifted - like forever ago. I was not this drama - I became it, gave myself to it, believed the hypocrisy I was fed because I have this problem not realizing when darkness just likes itself so damn much. I gave up my power, my morals, my ideals. Yeah I was embarrassed, just NOT because I looked wide open and hurt and raw. I, unlike you - have no problem dealing with real - I work the steps of growth rather than sit in shit and point fingers - and yes.... I am in love with myself - so much so. And... only a broken spirit, especially a female will turn 'self love' into selfishness. All the women who challenge baby boy are selfish, I know, so I have heard from EVERYONE. Hahahahaha. Oh my. And so that was all I really had to say - I told my EX we are good now - they two, maybe three, think I am worthless. Me and my all in love with myself self, in great company of friends and my children, well we think that you are worthless too. We are even, nothing left to talk about. Everything ends well - we wash our hands of the others threat and walk on. I threaten your dysfunction and you threaten my happiness. ALL GOOD. The End..... If it annoys you L, stop reading :)