Just leap and the net will appear.

Dearest Blog readers,
I have missed you....I find myself this evening in my bed, a glass of red wine by my side, the soft flickering glow of candle light illuminating the room. The kids are in bed, lunches made, backpacks at the door and waiting, clothes laid out, the alarm set for six and my eyes drooping heavily - the candle light helps lessen the burn in my sockets, the glare from this computer screen working against the relaxing ambiance. And yet....I type none the less - I have missed these keys, the way they click under my fingernails, the way the thoughts surface and spill as soon as the blank screen and blinking cursor say, come hither Deb...
I miss writing, miss my manuscript, miss my canary memoir most of all.
Today I was thinking about that week at PH this summer, the week I spent slaying demons, inviting them to the battle ground of my safe place at the end of the world.
I let out them just long enough to pin them to paper, put them somewhere I can keep my eyes on them,
cage them in words, words and more words.
They deserve the words just as much as I do....
I am in a strange new place right now - someplace I never really even dreamed existed - these kinds of dreams were had by others - never by me.
I was content to dream of masters degrees, publishers, healthy kids, my 4runner turning over 400,000 miles...
I never imagined I would be here.
I have met a man that has completely and utterly knocked the wind from my complacent life.
He looks directly into my eyes, and in his, I see a different possibility - one that is so clear, everything else looks blurry by comparison.
He is beautiful and gentle, kind and funny, smart and compassionate. In him, I see a man that can handle and even better yet, compliment everything that I am.
Everything I do will look better with him by my side.
I am in love.
Being in love is amazing.... and scary as hell.
Last night, this morning too, we had to unearth some demons from my past and a few from his as well.
Looking back is unfortunately, always part of looking forward - no matter how much you wish it were not so.
The past grows the present, and can surely choke the living shit of new growth if you don't tend to it, nurture it, continually pull up the weeds.
I must trust myself and him.
sigh.
He is not my past he is my future....
We walked a little of the hallowed soul ground today - I wish we had done it in PH by the shore while listening to the seagulls...I wish that instead of a challenging phone call, we were back down on my favorite rock where I could tell the stories and the wind would carry them away on a breeze of understanding.
I am too tired to write, I am too in my own head to be decipherable.
I hope he gets up on my gilded perch, and Mary that has two meanings, do with it what you will.
Just leap and the net will appear.