submit and fail?

Well hello there blog partakers,
I begin today's blog by putting a question out there?
Is it wrong to drink the crumbs from the bottom of my cheez it bag right here in the library in front of all these people?
I keep reaching in like the claw from Toy Story ("the claw, the claw") but all I succeed in doing making a damn mess of myself.
And this mess is bad enough as it is - trust me, my ripped sweatshirt with the mayo stain on the front is about as wrecked as I can get - I am gross with a lap full of orange tidbits of cheez its. I have gone all to hell.
No really, I have.
Fuck it, I want the crumbs and salt, I 'm doing it....
Well, I guess the most important thing I can discuss today is the stupid essay contest that is looming over my procrastinating head...
Last year I won.
Set out to win, wrote to win, wanted to win more than anything.
This year - I have written five damn essays and can't pick one, haven't proofed or edited any of them - I have five essays NOT ready for submission with the deadline in three days and can't decide if any of them are "the one."
I crack myself up - my writing has improved so much over the last year that I feel like the 750 word limit of the essay is far too few and maybe I just won't bother - I don't want anyone to put parameters around my creativity.
And yet....the freak show competitor would really like another award for her collection - would really like to be the first consecutive winner - something about "two timer" that appeals to me.
I'm in the sophomore slump - this is what kills so many recording artists.
So what to do, what to do?
Maybe I will just submit minus expectation - like just randomly pick one from the stack, edit it and just let go - let go of perfectionism, let go of the past, let go of riding myself too hard and just hit send....
I think that may be my answer.
I like all five of my essays - really I do - I am impressed with the depth of each, the visual quality is off the hook if I do say so myself - I just feel like my wing span was prohibited, just as I got warmed up my word limit maxed.
Anyone who reads my legit work, or even my blogs knows that for me 750 words equals a scene setting at best.
To get to the heart of a matter I need about 8,000.
The second question I ask, can I handle it emotionally if I submit and lose?
What if it was an epic loss - like didn't place at all?
I am not sure I can lose. I can only lose gracefully at some things - my writing may not be one of them - so far the responses to my efforts have been super encouraging.

To lose a contest I formerly won may not go well - Chubby Debbie and her Mother may rear their ugly heads - I fear those two assholes are still around lingering right below the surface.
Success keeps those two at bay. But.... I won't always win - ask Martha she'll tell you.
I must learn to fail without it gutting me and giving the toxic bitches full reign.
Okay decision made - randomly picking my essay, editing and submitting and if I lose - I lose.
Losing does not mean I am a loser - just means, A LOSS. One Loss - One loss is one loss, one loss is not defining in any way shape or form -
UNLESS of course it teaches me to lose without freaking the fuck out.
Okay well, there is my blog - basically a conversation with myself that once again exposes the fragility of my once broken, healing slowly heart.