Love revolution - name it - 'FOR ALLI'

Good Morning Bloggers,
I sit here in the library bleary eyed and gulping my hot coffee by the mouthful regardless of the fact that it is scalding ass hot -
I have insomnia again - a really bad bout.
Part of me knows that it is my thyroid acting up and that I MUST make time to get back to the doctor and get the right cocktail of meds to gain some relief. Part of of me also knows that my sleepless nights are due to an overactive brain that just cannot stop thinking about Alli Buck and the enormous hole left in the lives of so many by her loss.
I spent a good deal of last night contemplating and trying to reckon with big questions, rather than allowing my body and mind to rest.
I cannot help it - I feel like I MUST think things through, make the best kind of sense that can be deduced from facts and then TRY TRY TRY to apply whatever the hell I come up with to my own life in a positive way.
I feel like it is my job to absorb the pain of the world around me and then manifest it outward in positivity, hope, encouragement and love.
I take it all in, every detail of the pain, every possible meaning - allow it to hurt, confound, confuse, frustrate, reel etc.etc. and then flip it ever so slowly until it is right side up, right side being positive side.
hard to say that someone's death can be positive right?
Jesus don't I know that one all too well, all too close up, all too familiar.
The only thing I can do to cope is allow the pain to equal love.
And then give it, give it, give it.
Right now I am in the churn stage - the sadness is churning about inside my head and my guts - Her Mother - Her Father - Her Sister - Her best friend Alex - Her community - the kids she coached and the list goes on and on.
I see them in my mind as myself - I imagine if it were my daughter Emma - I become Alli's Mother for a bit....(God help her)
I imagine it is my Best friend Mary - I become Alex for a bit...(Poor Baby girl)
I imagine it is one of my sisters, Ash or Toto - I become Julie for a bit. (An only child now?)
I don't have to know Alli well or her Mom, or Alex or Julie -
I have to force me, to be me in their imagined shoes....
It hurts beyond what I can express.
And, truth is - I have been where they now are - My boyfriend, My Dad, My Papa - all gone, but never forgotten.
Have to visit the pain.
Have to let it seep in and take hold.
Have to suffer the grief paralysis.
Have to have to have to.
It is who I am.
And then, I will give MORE love than I already do, give it with greater purpose and make it a tribute in my own heart to ALLI BUCK, her family, her BFF.
It's what I do to survive a life that often feels unfair, nonsensical, brutal....
I had someone say to me once - "you don't have to go there you know?"
Really?
No really... I do.
I think we should all go there - close your eyes and go.
Then open them slowly, let your easy world that is so easy to bitch about come into focus slowly - be grateful,
Look at the person next to you in the computer lab and say "I love your outfit - and what a great smile you have"
Give love and lift up.
I know I keep saying it... I know I am stuck on a theme here.
I may be for a long while to come.
I imagine Alli's Mom will hurt forever - so....what is it for me to stick with an Alli inspired theme of appreciation and love for a bit?
Easy.
Quite possibly the easiest thing I can do - and for now, until my bad time comes again - how lucky for me...
I challenge you all here reading to try to do the same.
In your head Make Alli someone you love and go there.
Do the eye open thing and LOVE hard core after. Not just for a minute, an hour a day...
Make it your life mission.
Make Alli's death your inspiration - name it in your head 'for Alli.'
If we all do that - really do it, feel the pain, do the work, stop yourself from going the too easy road - I bet she will feel us...
I bet she will feel the cumulative love effort and be proud that she started a love revolution.
I challenge you....
You up for it?
Let's do it, c'mon do it with me please.