growing up Dave.

Good Evening Blog readers, It is a lovely Virginia Autumn evening and I hate to say this if it's rubbing someones face in it, but....there is no more beautiful smell than the air in Virginia - pick a season it, it applies year round. But man do I love it crisp, the kind of air that begs to be stayed out in, constantly. I see that I have been monitored today by the present "girlfriend" - I should probably apologize to Bob via her, for insulting his alter ego, the Rooster. Although I will say that Roosters primary concern is not his "chickies," but rather his choice and numbers of hen vagina and his big mouth that he likes to run while the world is still in quiet. But Bob doesn't associate with him for that reason at all, and I truly know this, deep down - it's not his over possessiveness, or the fact that his stump must be above all the females, or that he is also called a cock....none of those reasons either. I know there is a reason though.....Have I mentioned how much I make myself laugh out loud? Love that..... I am sorry Bob for all inaccuracies. You know better than anyone that when you are good and pissed off, well venting helps. Especially when it is all you have...I know baby and I'm sorry. I really am sorry. I made a few cracks that were pissy - can't imagine why... I digress and laugh AGAIN. Thing about Bob and Deb is that we are the only two who know - well and Becca and Ben. But really just me and Bob and REALLY those are the only two people who matter here. I write about my life openly, but lately I have blogged in codes and hidden meanings - I have not just told you the whole truth and nothing but the truth - I have skirted. Maybe skirting is pissy, but telling the story is the book PROOF. You are all going to shit your pants..... Cause I write the activities that take place in door frames for real, for real and that my friends may be too much real for most. You will love every character and hate them too. You just wait. And with that heartfelt apology to my one and only Rooster - I now write the details of this moment, the one we are entering.... The air reminds me of kissing David Arend when I was sixteen. DAMN. one word only - DAMN.....I love you David, since I was sweet. Sea glass eyes and a perfect mouth to crawl in. Thank you. But my first David is a path to my always David. Dave Matthews.... I can't form a word, I just deep breathe - that is all and everything I got. I have been obsessively listening to this new CD AWAY FROM THE WORLD. Are they for real with that title right now? LOVE THEM. For those of you who know me,know that this is out of the ordinary fan/musician relationship. You know he is something to me for which there is no word. The CD is playing now as I type. I am thinking that we have grown up together. We are always in the same place at the same time. I never feel alone or misunderstood in his company, their company. They are integral parts of my coming of age. They each play a part, a significant role. I said "Carter does unexpected shit - like blue note back beat jazz shit, but even so, it's the reverse of what you anticipate - what you think makes sense - but then you find that he fills empty space you didn't realize was empty until he filled it." The obvious. Because it's Carter Beuford on the drums. Heard that line a few thousand times in my life - and I am crying and smiling. Literally crying. This music and these men have filled the unknown empty spaces more than the men that dug the holes could have ever dreamed. Real Workers. They are the music of my mind - if I could have, I would have, but then I wouldn't be me and me them, and than it wouldn't be - we need each other to be who we are for it work. But if I could have it would have. But it is. I watched Dave deliver Leroi's eulogy, hands wringing behind his back. The grief was overwhelming and when the church filled with his sax sounds even though his casket was in front of me, I though I might faint for the pain of it all. I say it to Mary, "it's like Dave said about Leroi....watching him struggle, one of the greatest gifts of my life" That is love. Watching your friend struggle into themselves, being a part of that is a great joy. Only you who understand that will get it. I miss Leroi in these songs. I can hear the lack of him and his spirit, nowwwww I am really crying. I loved Leroi Moore with all my heart. His saxophone solo in #41 is the oil in my hips, the sex in my shoulders, the drop of my neck in surrender, my soul's most honest singing voice. I miss Leroi Moore. I will always miss him. BUT........the they endure for me and we grieve about our lost ones together even though there is a sax and Jeff Coffin is just evolution because this never dies it just changes, adapts. JEEESUSSS I am in rare form. Dave Matthews and Stefan Lessard, Carter Beuford, Tim Reynolds, Boyd Tinsley, Rashawn Ross and Jeff Coffin, Leroi Moore - well they do that to me. This album is brilliant, I am in that space. Right the fuck dead smack in it. My birthday is coming....October 11th. I leave the 41st year soon. I am dead smack in it and reborn. Yikes. But anyways, I cannot concentrate because I am hearing lyrics I missed previously, picks on a string, a triangle jingle.... I love you guys. Little steel guitar just now. 'Come the winter I will build you a fire from the bones of what I used to be.' I get it Dave. Gotcha. I have to go dance with myself now, my body says so.

waste not want not.

Good Morning, Okay so....I spoke to Bob the other day and he said with condemnation and pity in his best fake, forced voice - "your blogs make you look crazy - you say one thing one day and something contradictory the next." I responded that I write what I feel, and that changes like people who wear them, change their panties. If one day I say I won't smoke and the next day I admit I do, or one day I say fuck him and the next day I admit that I miss him - well this makes me a lunatic and all of you reading feel pity for the woman who just cannot keep it consistent. Well....I said two days ago I was not going to blog....I was going to keep my voice quiet for a while and leave my key tapping to the tell all novel I am writing about this past year. BUT.....Yes Bob, here she goes again sober from having dropped her kids off at school (throat clear) here I am blogging......Mary said - write....I don't care what you write, I don't care what you say, I don't care what you do with it - JUST WRITE, right now in this brain space you are in, at war with yourself and the outside world - WRITE. So Bob, yes...Have your informant in Texas let you know I am at it again, looking consistently inconsistent in TRUTH. Truth is, my not so stable or truthful friend, I am consistent and wide the fuck open. You threaten police on facebook and people laugh at you behind your back while I blog and people email me, please don't go - "you say all the things I don't have the balls to say, you make me laugh and make me cry and make me laugh again." So fuck you and your whiskey induced haze of unreality and bullshit, FUCK YOU and your finger pointing. TURN THAT FINGER ROUND CAUSE YOU'RE THE ONE BRINGING YOU DOWN. Truth is.....You don't care and really, neither does anyone else. You look good, but that is about it and when your liver fails and you turn yellow, you better hope the latest conquest is half in the bag herself so that you still appear somewhat appealing. WOW - that felt good. I do love you underneath, really I do. You MAKE IT SO HARD. And so, I cannot let THIS DAY go by without laying my words down. It is, yet again, September 11th. If you are a reader of mine you probably read last years entry - what was that you said Bob "she's my ambassador of courage?" HAHAHAHAHAHA - to those of you who give a shit about something outside yourself and complimented that blog post - well, that means something....That blog took it's toll to write in the five parts it took for me to get it all out - I read it sometimes myself to remind me of who I am when stupid people tell me that I suck and I almost believe them. Ha, not so much. This morning I began my day screaming at my kids who would not get out of bed. Truth is, I didn't want them too either.....they were both (the wee ones) in my bed and it was hilarity to just sit and watch them with my steaming cup of coffee in hand. I could have done it all day. Emma with her thousand little braids sticking up, all about the pillow like a cute Medusa and Matt at the other end, head by her feet which continually kicked him in the face and he swung at the air asleep, cursing her and whoever else he imagined might be assaulting him. The crisp Autumn morning air streamed in through the open windows pushing the steam from my mug about my face giving off the effect of a facial, my pores opening up so that all the details of the moments saturated into my skin. I had to scream eventually, the gentle rousing did little to wake the Prince and Princess from their slumber. When I finally turned on the light in the kitchen, the first thing I saw was a copy of the new DMB album in Kevin's handwriting on the table. AWAY FROM THE WORLD. I smiled knowing that at midnight, my two eldest were crowded together by Papa's desk in the glow of my laptop light, salivating like hungry animals circling their prey. I ask you Bob, what have your kids learned from you???? Oh wait - you're the Rooster who does runs his mouth in the peace and quiet and fuck a lot of hens.....HAHAHAHAHA. My kids have learned to be artists, and to appreciate music and words,and the pursuit of peace and the joy that comes in overcoming adversity. So go drink that back.... And yes, Kevin did hit me Bob - wait til your three get good and pissed off for your failures - oh wait, you won't admit them because you learned from the best, I forgot. But I digress in negativity that won't evolve so..... I loved imaging my two grown men buying the CD on itunes. I loved knowing that all the years of music and concerts and dancing has made an impression on their souls and they crave it just like their Momma. I made lunches and bitched about aggressively brushing teeth, not just gently exfoliating the plaque and tartar while eyes rolled and kids tuned out. We walked outside to Autumn. A cool morning that made my nipples stand up, which at this age is a feat that is noteworthy. I thought, Oh yeah - bring on the death Season, let me see the colors and of every leafs life, yes please. Then I looked up to the blue sky and thought, this is what that day looked like..... I said it to the kids as we got in the car. "this is exactly what that day felt like, exactly - the sky was just this blue, the sun just this bright" I put in Dave, on his release date morning, September 11th, eleven years later and I thought to myself - I see what others miss, because I am always looking at the fine details of my fabric. I don't want to miss a thing - even the hard shit. The hard shit after all is what makes the good shit so good. Then I adjusted my mirrors and took a good look at the hard shit turned the really good shit in the eyes of my son, the one they told me would die - But I knew that even if he did it should be in my arms where he belonged, so fuck sea weed sticks and giving up..... I could smell his morning dragon breath in the trucks close quarters and smiled to myself, knowing the alternative would have killed me. Of course my inquisitive cookie cutter from the back seat began to ask questions about that day as any girl of mine would. She was upset last night because she heard in a political commercial that under Mitt Romneys presidency, cancer patients would not receive their treatments and this sent her into a tail spin of worry for Aunt Pammy who she loves with all her heart. My daughter makes me PROUD in her need to understand everything...... She asked "why Mommy, why would terrorists do that?" Oh baby......why? Humph. Why do people terrorize each other, those they claim to love? Terrorize themselves, is the more pertinent question I am currently plagued with....But not what she was asking.... I explained it all to her the best I could. I think I told her that extreme views, equal extreme measures and unfortunately we live in a world where middle ground has been destroyed, humanity has become desperate. I explained in a way she could understand. She was broken hearted that thousands of people died, I told her that all she could do to remedy that broken feeling was to be the best person she could be - to make the most of her life and to do her best to contribute and give, leave behind her legacy of a life which met it's potential. Eat that Rooster who protects his chickies. And Dave sings BELLY BELLY NICE and my dancer hips groove. She asked, "Momma what were you doing that day?" I told her, I was wanting to hold the world in my arms with the same confidence that I held Matthew in my swollen womb. She looked at me like I was too special for the world. She gets me and that is my greatest joy. I dropped her at school first, we stood in the hallway, a big and a little, and made out like we may never see each other again, the way lovers kiss at the airport gate..... I told her, "work hard my love - remember meet your potential for all those who were lost" she smiled at me with my own smile as she walked her sassy self down the hallway, her wavy hair lifting off her shoulder as she whipped her head round to see my smile, her smile, chasing her down the space that separated us, with all the obsession and adoration that should always be on the forefront of my mind - not whiskey bottles and wanna be farms. Hahahahahahaha Momma is begging for Mercy - will we over come this, have we come to far to turn it around? No Baby, never too far to overcome this. NEVER. Legacy. The bonus track on Dave's new CD is from the show that I took the kids to this summer....I love that as I listen to it right now, I can see us, see me and my kids dancing barefoot in the grass, Emma on Brian's shoulders her arms up to the stars of the night sky, Matthew in front of me, my arms around his chest and Kevin smiling to my left as though the music was his magic carpet and he was driving us up and out of it all into where we ought to be. Legacy. Oh God life is so hard. It is so FUCKING HARD and so PAINFUL, so MYSTERIOUS and horses always pull the cart - there is no other way. People like me want to make sense of it, understand the extremes, take the fine grain sand paper and smooth the sharp edge off the hurt, cry the tears to bleed the well dry, blood run out sacrificially - I appear crazy Bob? Okay WHAT the FUCK EVER from your anesthetic misery laying in the road after a fifth rambling on about crazy bitches and cunts. I AM NOT NUMB and WILL NEVER BE. The people who lost their lives on SEPTEMBER 11th would not want that for me and I know that I was given a vacant space for my son to fill because there is a GIVE and take. My Nana told me so and I know she has a direct line cause she always did. That is precisely why she found her way out from the bottom of the bottle. Humph again. So on this day I let it all pour out because I CAN. Because I SHOULD. Hilarity, Bob just called to tell me how much I suck and that I should go back to writing my psycho blogs that nobody cares about.... In nobody, he means himself and his world, he is filling the boots that I couldn't drag an inch in forward motion. I SAY NO TRUER WORDS WERE EVER SPOKEN, print that and put it in your box little boy. Deep breath, my point is this. I am here on September 11th to say that I will never forget. Not only the acts of terrorism that shocked our Nation, but also the daily acts of terrorism that we unleash on each other and ourselves. I would never say that the lives lost on that day were minor details - God no. I will say that the major details start with us as individuals, in our personal willingness to accept responsibility for our lives - what we take selfishly and what we contribute selflessly. September 11th should be in the consciousness of our everyday minds not just once a year. As I got out of the truck to drop Matt at school, the outside loud speaker was the principal addressing the students. He was speaking about Patriotism. We stopped and stood silent as we listened collectively - a body of children and adults in one place. He asked us to join him in a moment of silence. I stood next to my miracle and cried gently from behind my sunglasses which I should have taken off out of respect, but couldn't find the courage to face the light for fear I would give myself over to it and collapse in Matthew's arms with gratefulness. He doesn't yet understand he is my God proof in the flesh, does not yet know that he was a not going to be, that WAS, IS.... He knows he has a special head, but does not yet know what that has meant to/for my special head..... It was right about now that I realized our Nation was under attack. Eleven long years ago. Sigh, I wish I didn't feel that we are the biggest part of a problem that still exists. The day is a beautiful day. Every day is met with the potentiality of beauty. I am fighting to see that, fighting to teach that to my children, even though some days are unbearable for me to get through myself. A minute to minute basis with just the end of the day as the only goal I think I can attain - that and the ability to begin again. I want the cart to go first so that I know, but Dave just told me it won't ever work that way.... I believe everything you say Dave and yes we are too damn old to want to be young again..... If we were, we wouldn't have all this growth under out belts. Brian wants french toast, he is twenty two whining at his Mommy like he is four. I hope that never ever stops. No matter what, I hope I am always Mommy the master of french toast. Legacy. I pray for us as humans that we stop hurting ourselves and each other. That some way we can stop pointing partisan fingers, rulers against rulers, God's against God's, Fathers against Mothers. Mothers against Fathers. Friends against friends. I am a complex recipe of comfort food. I know exactly what I am. I know what this day is. Who my children are. My daughter has blue nails today like this same exact September 11th sky. I did not know her then, she was not even a thought - merely a dream. I dream big and I dream that she will see humanity turn around - and if not, the legacy of her Mother's heart will be enough to sustain her identical heartbreak. Me and the soundtrack of my dreams, thanks to Dave and her memories of my laugh and dancing hips under the starry nights of her every day childhood. I am nostalgic as fuck today - like everyday. Brian made me laugh just now and for that, I feel celebratory. My kids are insane just like me, it's fucking awesome. AWESOME. Never Forget......Anything. I love you all, even you Bob who thinks my words are a waste of letters. SO NOT A WASTE.

hope springs subjectively.

I am going to make this as quick as I can. maybe you should get a drink....I am not going to reread this or edit it. It is a steady stumble and best not to question. I posted on facebook just now that I am taking a leave from that social arena and I will also not be blogging for a bit - I am sad to say. The thing is, I need a break from the stage. This old girl is just plain tired of the lights and all the staging that I am hopelessly missing at every mark. I am feeling dirty from the filth that I have submerged myself in and I need a long hot bath and a few months to write and attempt to survive. I am not sure that I can ever accurately explain what it is that has occurred in the last nine months of my life - other than to say that I have had to learn to let go of hope. I have to watch a life choose to divert away from the right path - speed away, kicking up dirt and rocks, peeling out sideways in a panic. I am no good with refusal to do the right thing. I suck at wasted potential. I am miserable in holding patterns that are just mazes with a trick or treat up their sleeve. I suffer miserably in the raw of my emotional awareness, the acute ability to feel every minor detail. I am unparalleled in walking the tight rope on my pretty toes. I am stale in disgust presently with myself and almost everyone else. It is an improper place to stay, hoping - the place I am in. I hope that I don't run out of stamina, it surely feels fume like at this juncture. I do not want any of you regular readers to worry about me - if you understand me at all through these two hundred or so looks into me - you know that I am okay.... I am just needing to, as I said on facebook, devote all my concentration to fighting the Devil that hounds me. I said....Angels and Devils are only different because one fell from grace - At this point, I am a pin up girl in her hey day, laying scantily on the silver platter. The devil is an invited guest at the table, My wings are on the menu. I have to go away and fight for my survival. I have no time to blog about what I am up to - I need to be in full on, gotta live again mode. I can give up on love, I have done it a thousand in one times in my life - I am well aware that love sometimes, has to be laid to rest an expendable casualty which saves the platoon. Giving up on hope is altogether different. I have been taught to always have hope - it manifested in the microscope slide, an incurable virus. One which attacks my genetics, I am isolated in hope. I gotta give up and take antibiotics, try to cure this disease. Hope is always good, right? NOPE. It is sometimes, in the face of the unchangeable, the worst possible thing to cling to. I have to give up my hope. It feels like I may die - I won't, it just feels like it. I am merely a child, naive that darkness is subjective and so is my beloved hope. I am an innocent mind in a world of obvious. And so - I bid you adieu. Not forever so don't panic. I plan to, in all the moments I am not blogging to be writing this story. You will miss me, but I will come back with a book you can curl up on the couch with. I promise it will be worth the longing. It has to be. Cause I have to give up on hope. Be well and make good choices. I love you.

Baby we were born to RUN.

HOLY SHIT goooodmorningggg, WOW! you know what I just did???? I woke up before my alarm - and I jumped straight out of bed into my running shoes. Willoughby of course took notice and began to circle around me whining incessantly - he made the process much harder than it had to be with his carrying on BUT whatever, he knew we were going for an early morning run and he was like "HELL YEAH MY MOMMA IS BACK WOOF WOOF" I put on my ghetto old school ear phones and swirled and clicked the IPOD to Mumford and Sons and went to seize the damn day. It was perfect, like seriously. I have missed my early morning runs, they are so much more spectacular than sitting on the porch with a cup of coffee and a cigarette. I am dripping sweat as I sit here and type and that smells a thousand times better than nicotine on my pretty finger tips. The morning was cool and I felt really alive out there in my bike shorts and tank top, my skin was aware of the temperature, I love feeling the weather on my body. We took off walking first, just to warm up my old trick hip which I injured running three years ago - I was wearing the wrong running shoes - who knew I was an over pronator and have dancers arches that would make you believe I spent a lifetime in toe shoes....I tore my labral, had a little flap loose and when I ran, because I was not rotating properly the little flap nicked along every rotation. Everyday like a junkie, I ran and ran on it. The first mile hurt and then I went numb and felt nothing and "SO WHAT?" I said - until four or five hours later when I couldn't walk - at all. Get up the next day like a crack addict and do over.... Took six long months to recover and really expensive running shoes AND I know, that I must warm that hip up and let it get used to the idea that it is about to be pushed. So.....we started out slow and we took in of all the beautiful things around us. We passed a tree that had like eight birds in it - it was a low tree - more like an over grown bush of some unknown kind - regardless, it had like eight birds in it, just sitting on branches and chirping at each other. It made me think of my Nana and Bob and Lilly Kitty. I knew that dead blue bird on my doorstep was an omen, sigh. I went on then as Mumford and Sons finished one song and went on to one of my favorites 'little lion man' - If ever a song reminds me of Bob without a specific memory attached, it is this one. And... before I knew it, Willa's tongue was hanging out of his mouth flapping behind him as we took off like bullets, flying down the road in a full on sprint. IT FELT SO GOOD. In my mind, I said "run at this speed until the end of the song" I tore up the road, Willa right beside me like a good running partner, his head by my left knee, keeping perfect steady pace. We ran and ran, as I listened to the words and let my grief sweat out of me. I love feeling it trickle down my back and into my ass crack - it means it's working. As I made it through the song and sprint, I slowed to a jog and remembered when this all began, my love for running. I HATED to run HATED IT. And then I quit smoking (HA) and decided that I needed a new addiction and it should be something I had to learn to love. I began slowly - a mile a day..... I told my trainer at the gym - my goal is this - I want to be able to out run an attacker. IF I FAIL at that, I want to be strong enough, quick enough, to be able to fight for my life - I never cared about pounds or calories - I didn't do any of it to look prettier - I took hold of my health because if I wasn't living to die I might as well be living to live and be a badass while living it. And man was I a badass. Weights got tossed about, cycles got cycled and miles got logged. Hundreds and hundreds.... Best shape of my life, could have pounced a quarter off any part of my body like a military bed. SIGH.... Willa and I chose a hilly road and dug in for the big climb, my runners stance unchanged - as though I never left it. My left arm like a birds wing up and out a little more than my right, hand open and fingers dainty, pinky almost raised like a good Irish lass at tea time, right arm in like a boxer, hand balled in a fist. When I went for my gait analysis at Cville Running shop, the owner put me on the treadmill and mused at my gait. Hips square, dug in,back straight and tall, torso elongated and shoulders high, spine straight up to my skull - he cracked up at my arms - one a dainty bird and the other a boxer. He laughed "what's with the arms and hands?" I said "well, you catch me - I am going to stroke your face all sweet with my left hand and confuse you and then punch you as hard as I can with my right." He laughed at me and I said "No, really" and I laughed with him. Today I knew that bird and boxer - she was me again, just like she had never left.... And, just so you all know - I only stopped because I went to get my degree and when you work full time, have four kids and are a student - there is little time to pee, forget run. And, a year in - during finals - I wandered outside one day and bummed a cigarette off the cute kid that worked at cinema taco and nicknamed me 'guacamole' He looked at me like 'really?' and that was that - a smoker again......sigh. BUT SIGH NO MORE (the Mumford and Sons album title) cause I am back. I desperately want to go back to the gym too and lift - pump and spin were tow of my favorite classes ever - I miss my Rebecca and GMA, Chet and Barb, all the gym rats. Those were good, healing, productive days in my life - I kinda want thie further evolved Deb to take a crack at that again. I was thinking as I was running - it's all about taking personal responsibility. Life, I mean. Take personal responsibility for the way you live, the choices you make, for the way your life goes. It all comes down to that. My life has been hard, no doubt. I walked with Emma last night and we talked more about my childhood - how lucky she and I are to have the relationship that we have - how mine with my Mom was so difficult - that we were completely different people. We talked about how I ran away - how I lived on the street for a while - how I was in foster homes as a teenager - a group home for teenagers. It was kinda tough. Of course some of that was not my fault - and some of it was.... Some of my miserable marriage to Dan was not my fault (a lot) and well, some of it was. There is always a choice involved, ALWAYS. I have little patience for people who blame everyone else and refuse to accept responsibility for their part in their life. Sure......life can just HAPPEN and SHIT can just Happen - um yeah, I am queen of shit happens - BUT, I always have a choice how I let it affect/effect me. There is always a choice to be made. Wallow in shit and complain, point fingers and be the victim and chainsmoke while doing it OR get up, dust my shit off, see my part, accept my role in my undoing and fix the fuck out of it. I prefer the latter choice, always have. I won't ever go back to bullshit that I bring on myself - I won't ever do it again.... I said it on Monday in counseling with Dan - "I am done with bullshitters - if you cannot do the truth here in this room - I don't belong in it" I have no time left to waste. That is my choice. I think this is day 5. I like day 5, it feels detoxifyingly delicious. Yesterday I called Emma's school and asked the secretary to pull her from class and have her call me. Last night when we were walking on the trail she told me that she thought she was called to the office because a girl threw dog poop at another girl on the playground and she witnessed the event - she thought she was going to have to tell ... Instead she called me and I told her that I loved her more than life - that I was missing her - that I am grateful she is my daughter and my best friend. She told me as we passed a butterfly bush on the trail, that it made her feel really special. There is always a CHOICE to be made. I finished my run under the shade of a massive pine tree. I noted the needles on the road at my feet. I stopped and stood in them, looked up and saw all the cones that will fall very very soon. I thought of Audrey and the pine cones she brought me on our camping trip, one sits right next to me on my Grandfathers desk where I sit to write - it is next to me right now. I remember her asking me "Missss Deb wasss wasss this?" - she is so damn inquisitive that smart baby girl - she asked that question about everything, especially things she knew the answer to :) I thought about Bob and I, the day we lay under the pine trees in the front yard on our backs in the damp grass, the smell when I hung clothes on the line - I thought about choices and how I wish I could reach out and shake him - sit in my seat in our kitchen, the one with the handcuffs and have a real conversation with my best friend not the last cowboy that replaced him - or maybe is the real him??? IDK. Choices..... It is a hard thing to accept when we are used to claiming we are victims. I am not a victim. I am a victor. And I CHOOSE to believe that, when I could easily convince others and myself, otherwise. Good thing is, I smiled and cried on my run today. I thought of my Nana, my life, my kids, my sweet daughter, Mary, Bob and Audrey and choices. Not bad, smiles and tears in one run, kinda like he bird and the boxer..... I think it was a perfect choice for the start of Day 5. I kinda want to call Matt at school today :) Be blessed and choose good things. LOVE LOVE LOVE - Happy Friday!

right on time.

Okay, I admit it....Today, at the start of day four - I am feeling a little edgy, like a cigarette may in fact solve every problem I have, maybe even world hunger, a marlboro menthol light may just be the key to world peace..... Just now I coughed and it was gross - precisely why I will not smoke one, even though it could temporarily solve everyyyyythning. I can breathe better already and am clearing my throat less, even have hope that I will be able to hit Adele's high notes at Karaoke Saturday night. I am so excited for that - I love to sing :) At any rate, I feel edgy, but okay - strong despite the weakness I am wanting to crumble to so badly. I was talking to Becca yesterday and she confirmed what I already knew - when I say I am done, I am done and I just go to it cold turkey - although a lot of people have suggested nicotine replacements, like the patch or gum, I am kind of an all or nothing girl. I have to just DO. Yesterday - I did a lot. I worked on the book all day long while the kids were at school. Man that is such a process, I forgot how draining devoting an entire day to words can be. It was something else. I put together a big binder full of materials, letter pictures - things that were left behind - I have a lot of stuff to look at should I need inspiration. Which I won't - this story is desperate to get out of me and on to paper. I cannot wait for a month to go by to see what I have accumulated in paper and page numbers. I cannot wait for my court date to come with Dan, the leaves to change to my favorite colors, the air to turn cool and crisp and for the binder to be full of red lined pages. I have so so so much to do and accomplish. Last night after dinner, I was going through the pile of mail on the table and came across a slip of notebook paper in my handwriting. It was a list of things that Emma wanted me to work on changing.... We had talked about her experience about a month ago as I felt my life slipping away from me and was afraid my daughter did too.... I am proud to say that I have fine tuned almost everything on her list :) I have no talked on the phone beyond 5 o'clock to anyone for any reason. I have quit smoking (this really bothered her) We are going for daily walks together at which point she has the power to discuss with me ANYTHING that she has on her mind. And, we are reading every night before bed. I have done good at regaining myself in a very short amount of time. Last night she asked me, "Mom, how long do you think your heart will hurt about Bob?" The question caught me off guard completely and I looked blankly into her blue eyes and freckles trying to find the words. She found them for me - she said "Probably forever right, you and Bob laughed a lot and you love his kids too." Um yeah - she is a smart, smart girl. I took a deep breath and tried to respond in a way that comforted her out of having to comfort me. I told her that love is a complicated thing. That sometimes love just isn't enough to keep people together - that the world provides other factors and complications.... If love were enough - than our own family wouldn't be as broken as it feels. I then went on to TRY to explain that the most important love - the love that ALWAYS IS ENOUGH is SELF LOVE. That if you love yourself enough, expect respect and nothing less from those around you than what you deserve, always do your best for YOU - when other people and other 'loves' fail you - you may cry a little, hurt a bit, miss them even BUT have the capacity to just keep moving right along on the positive path you have carved out for yourself. I think she got it - she hugged me and said "well anyone who doesn't love you enough is just dumb cause you're beautiful" She only says that cause she looks just like me - conceited little brat :) Nah she's pretty perfect and a healer like her Momma, always trying to soothe hurts and right wrongs. Gotta make sure she doesn't devote her life to it though like I did - or at least if she does, make it professional and not personal..... Life is complicated. Mine has always been from day one. I think maybe it is just my destiny to keep learning, keep growing and evolving. This year has been a huge one. I miss my Nana. See, I type the words and my eyes fill with tears so quickly I can't see through the salty haze. I lost my Nan, I wore a cap and gown, I filed for divorce and after 18 years with the same man - I tried another. Big year. Big big big year. Oh and I quit smoking(again) Dave and the boys put a new album out in twelve days. On September 11th - last year I wrote my 911 blog - man time just rolls on by. I cannot wait for this album and I love it's release date. I have a feeling that me and the crisp Autumn air - the leaves dying in fits of orange rage / the season of death and quiet before the rebirth will do nicely with some new DAVE MATTHEWS BAND to mark the new beginning I will not divert from. How much you wanna bet the album is full of songs questioning humanity and where we go from here??? I know it will be right in line with my life cause it always is..... That's why they are who they are to me. The 41st year has been all about me wanting to stay in what I know, but finding my own way out.... FINALLY JESUSSSSSS. I am okay and my kids are too - whatever is broken, we will mend and go on. It's a good feeling, being strong and devoted to the cause. Speaking of that - I gotta get ready for work - my boss actually LOVED what I did to the boutique and gave me permission to keep going and re-do the entire back of the store. I'll be late if I don't go get ready and that would not be giving my work life the best me I can give. tisk tisk. So I am off. I hope you all have a blessed day full of love and sunshine. Oh and pray for the people battling these hurricanes - God Help them :(

Day 2 OPR

Good Morning Loves, I just noticed that my hits are up there, like close to 15,000 - wow - that is so cool. Thanks for following all ya'll. So, I don't have much time (what else is new?) BUT it's for a really good reason - I have a about an hour to get my "housework" done and then it is time for me to "clock in" at my second official job.....Hmmmmm you are wondering what job is this she speaks of???? MY BOOK! I have decided to spend two whole days a week when I would have normally been in classes, at my computer writing this damn book that is just itching to be written. I carry a little pad of paper with me at all times to jot shit down as it pops into my mind....I wake up at 4:27 in the morning most days just desperate to get the official business of the day under my belt so I can write. THIS STORY WANTS OUT OF MY HEAD, I figure the best way to get this done is to just devote time to it like I would my other job. I REALLY REALLY need to get my children's book published too - maybe I can get a 'two-fer' with a publishing company? Ha, I would love that. Thing is....I KNOW that this book is going to get published, I know it because I saw it in my truck that warm Christmas Eve night when he rubbed the side of my riding boots and chugged a blue moon in the static light of the parking lot - I saw it when he swallowed - his Adam's apple that A always said, "Daddy wassss that?" about - I watched it intently and had a burning in my gut like finally I knew why I was here. I thought then it was true love - now I know it is so much more. This year has been my catalyst year and I am ready to rock and fucking roll forty two - it is time to get published and write the book that will tell it all - Who will play me in the movie? Kate Winslet I think - or maybe Drew Barrymore. Ashley Judd will definitely be Mary and who would ever play BTB??? I get ahead of myself, cart before the horse girl strikes again.... But anyways, I am on day 3 of no cigarettes - Thank God. It is definitely harder this time than last, but I think it is only because I was smoking so much due to stress that without all that 'stimulant' flooding my bloodstream I am extremely tired. I have walked/run everyday - and have been taking evening strolls with the dog and the kids every night - I am getting out and getting fresh air constantly which is key to me staying motivated. Last time I quit, I took up running and developed quite a running habit - also cycling and lifting - I am so wanting to join the gym and return to my pump class - but, I don't know if it's worth the money and considering I have a free membership at the college. All in all though I am doing great - limiting shit in my system, definitely de-toxing, going to eliminate gluten and dairy again here pretty quick too. If I want this body to operate like a champ, then I need to fuel it as such, the athlete/dancer in me can't run on Marlboro's and M&M's.... In addition to those changes, I have also started ignoring my phone as soon as the kids get home. I have been devoting every moment to them, my undivided attention. It's good - they were really sick and tired of the drama in my life, really fed up to see me spinning my wheels, especially since it was all wasteful and took away from them. Crazy how a cycle can steal everyone it touches and suck you right up in to the eye of the storm - I was in a cycle too. Not good. I am out now and feeling so much better. The kids and I are also back to reading chapter books at bedtime again, although we have seen it, Brian bought the HUNGER GAMES so that Emma can get all the details lost in the movie. We read a chapter every night, I love that feeling so much, the two of them cuddled up in bed with me intently listening. I especially love when Emma does not know the meaning of a word and she asks - then I explain and do the context scenario - I love when I see understanding register in her bright blue eyes, a smile spreads across her face when she gets it. "you understand Mimz?" - "yes Momma - thank you" - Love what she and I have so much. Last night as we were walking the dog together, holding hands, we discussed being best friends - that we will always be - then she asked why Mitt Romney doesn't think women should be able to do what they want with their bodies and I had to slow and steady take her down the path of women's health issues - she asked wonderful questions and I gave thoughtful answers and in the end - we agreed that government should not interfere with a woman's right to choose anything for herself..... I cannot wait to see every single thing this child does with her life.....And of course the boys, they amaze me too, BUT let's be honest - they have penis's and that puts us at a great disadvantage - Son's and Mom's have something wonderfully unique for sure, BUT Mom's and Daughter's are wonderfully the same and that saves so much time and precious energy.....I also, feel really good about the boutique. I have gone in these past two weeks in recovery mode with the promise to put my absolute best effort in while I am there. I have completely gutted the store and Rachel and I have worked really hard on trying to pull it together and make the lines that we carry and the way they are displayed more cohesive and more appealing. I think we have rocked it hard and it looks beautiful, a lot of my regular customers are giving really positive feedback. And, my favorite customer Peggy came to see me the other day - she noticed right away I had been crying (like Four hours earlier) - I gave her the short version and she hugged me so tight, told me I am so much better than all that and we made a date to have coffee. I love my job and the amazing women I work with and the fantastic customers that become friends through the years. Love my job, really I do. Shit, now I have a half hour to get my housework done before book writing time. Damn you blog followers that need to know my business :) I hope you all have a fantastic Wednesday.

Day One OPR

Good Tuesday Morning, sigh.....I am up and at it today. Waiting for my pin curls to dry and then I am off. Does everyone know what pin curls are? Curls you wind around your finger and then secure with a bobby pin - I am channeling my inner starlet lately, feeling a little classic and old school, wanting to do vintage glamor, let the buxom blonde have her way for a change. I am not sure why, I just go through phases of fashion - I am wanting my hair to grow about 4 inches so I can twist it up in a million different styles (and so I can feel like a lion too), wanting to integrate MARY JANE pumps into every out fit and want giant pearl stud earrings. Go figure. At any rate, I am allowing me, whatever me, feels is right. I have snapped into Operation Phoenix Rising Mode and that is a mode that just happens naturally. What is OPR you ask? Well it is the phase of my life where the Phoenix I have been working on for the last four years or so, finally gets her wings and takes off with a roar and profound wing whoosh. In other words I am done with bullshit and bullshitters and I am not letting anything negative get in my way any more - not one second more.... After letting go of a toxic man and situation last week, I gave a lot of moments up to thinking on my pattern of being drawn to toxic, wanting to help toxic. I can't do it anymore. I spent 18 years doing it with Dan, 6 years doing it with Jimmy - At 18 I was toxic myself - after a difficult adolescence and the sudden death of my best friend, I was pretty much shattered and empty - I think previously I have represented it in this blog as basically being 'walking dead' - I began my adult life as a corpse - go figure that as I proceeded, I was only drawn to the same flavor in other people.... That phase of my life has ended. I simply have no respect for taking anything for granted. Grandstanding is a cover for real life and I am done listening to it in others and doing it myself....This brings me to OPR....Yesterday was day one of my new life. I began by NOT smoking a cigarette all day :) I am so done with that shit, I want my athlete/dancer back. I went to counseling yesterday with Dan, my soon to be EX husband....After all these years of begging him to get the help, all it took was serving him divorce papers? Well, we have a lot of work to do to learn to co-parent effectively, all the issues that prevented us from working together as a couple, exist in our roles as parents. Interesting to go to counseling while getting a divorce. I think it feels pretty perfect and right on time. I am in it for my kids....My kids who I worship, my kids who need the kick ass Mom that I am, to not go into self destructive mode because of any more empty men - I need to stay focused on my babies and me - that is all I need in my life - all that is important - I am back to rocking the home front, now that the Bob issue has finally been put to rest. Everything I was invested in became compromised because of that lifestyle - one that is not and will never be mine. I expect more from myself and the people I surround myself with - my kids must have been like "what the hell has happened to MOM?" - I know a lot of my friends were wondering where the hell I disappeared too and were monumentally confused as to WHY??? In my defense guys and babes - it was my last step backwards. I had to do it I guess, see if the Johnny and June was really my destiny. Guess what? It isn't - Johnny was far more real and devoted to goodness and June, well she knew it - my Johnny is all about himself - I always said that we were exactly alike, tough as goddamn nails, wreck less to a disastrous fault - you want to hit my jaw??? "well here it is, it the lighting good, can you see my bones?" Difference is, I am real badass who does what real badasses do - which is the right thing followed up with "Now, that is how it's done." NOT complete and utter self destruction and destruction of everything good followed up with claims of 'they don't make em like me anymore' - Um yeah they do - it's called the Jim Jones of humanity. I did it and learned and now I move forward. Yesterday in addition to the no cigarettes, the divorce/parent counseling, I went and got all my needed supplies for the book - Ha I am writing the fuck out of PROOF and wait until it gets published - you bloggers are gonna go - wow who knew she could do all that? Big difference in me running my mouth and me writing a novel. I actually did an outline the other night on my business dinner with myself. I was so official and Brian, who was cooking in the kitchen, came out on the floor to see how my dinner was - he found me working and was so happy that he kissed me on the top of my head and said "I love you MA" Thanks baby boy - good to know my kids love me, need me and are proud of me. That is all I need to be happy - that and doing MY PERSONAL BEST in EVERYTHING I DO. And with that I gotta run - I have to pack up my food for work - also on a budget an not spending money on anything but necessities anymore - I have a loan to pay off and a future to think of. This girl has got it going on - so much so, there is no longer a concept of backwards in my mind. All I see, is future happiness. Watch me Now, I am a Phoenix rising, it's pretty. Happy Tuesday - gonna rock day two. XO