Twister fit the mold (mood) that I am in...

At one minute before noon, I say Good Morning Blog readers, Good Beautiful Sunday Morning,
I woke up about an hour ago, the second round of waking, the first came at around 8 o'clock this morning as children discovered that the fertility Bunny/chocolate lunatic had been in the house and left treats for them. I don't know what that Bunny was thinking with the Justin Bieber CD in Mimzy's basket, she must have momentarily lost her bunny mind?
I have spent the last hour or so listening to the sounds of my life in gratefulness. There was the vacuum (and I wasn't pushing it, yessssss)- there was the stereo blaring, first Jason, then Dave, then Ben, now Maroon 5 (I just need a little of your time, a little of your time...)- there was Mimzy's voice every ten minutes or so, like the best snooze alarm ever, "MUMMA GETTTTT UPPPP" - there was Willa barking his ever loving head off at the little birdie that has constructed a beautiful masterpiece of a nest in my Nana's plant on the front porch - there were the birds outside of my open bedroom window gossiping amongst themselves, chirp chirp here chirp there - the coffee machine brewing and the repeated slam of the front door, then the back door - six feet running up the steps across the porch, front door open, front door slam, feet across the living room rug pound pound, on the linoleum in the kitchen slap slap and then to the back door, open, slammmmmmm laughter, yelling more laughter REPEAT....
I am okay with all of it. In fact I can think of nothing better than to listen to Jason discuss the merits of kissing off a smile, the kids in active play, the birds in chorus of productivity with me stretching beneath cool sheets, under the constant whir of the ceiling fan while in a contemplative post dream state.
I love Sundays.
I always have big ideas for all the shit I will accomplish on my ONLY day off. I will run important errands, or go on grand excursions to make up for everything I miss all week long, finally shave my legs.... I always plan to drag my ass out of bed bright and early to get a jump start on all my big plans - and every damn Sunday I push the limits of reasonable delay and instead lay on my tummy looking out my bedroom window, chin on my hands, and do a whole lot of NOTHING.
I love it...
The whole fam damn circles about me "Is this what you are gonna do today?" contempt and disgust for my laziness evident in the sting of their accusations - sometimes I wish they would shut the hell up, are they blind to what I go through every week? - but most Sundays like today, on some appreciative level I am thankful that I am the old woman in the shoe... Their needy voices mean that I am needed and that's an okay state of affairs.
(when I have the pre-menstrual rage later this month and want to make them all drink tainted kool-aid, someone please make me read this)-
And with that,the Justin Bieber CD is thumping from the living room.
Is it sad that I am actually enjoying it?
And so, with that I will close the box and get upright since I believe I am seconds away from total familial melt down.
But before I do, I will say one more important thing... How very much I miss the place of a child's perspective.
Remember when mud puddles just called out to be jumped in without any regard for consequential clean up?
Mimzy is in the front yard in a bikini with the hose, she looks like she has spent a weekend at a music festival hula hooping and hurting boys with her beauty....
She is covered in the elements - she is laughing freely with her head thrown back.
Ahhh childhood, Ahhh Sundays, Ahhh to have had my own childhood and now watch theirs.
Upright here I come, sigh, smile.

I came to shed a little light on this darkening scene....

Good GOOD FRIDAY morning,
Because we are in a "holy" season right now, I thought it would be appropriate to comment on the state of holiness and Holier than thou-ness.
I try really hard to not be "holy than thou" about things in life. the older I have gotten, the easier this state of mind and action has been to achieve - I will be honest in saying that my current state of openness and non-judgment has not always been the case. In fact there is a young man in my Humanities class that always chooses the side of opposition in a discussion (on any given topic - doesn't matter the material) just simply to be oppositional. He reminds me a lot of my former, younger, less wise self.
With that said, I am Catholic. Made all the sacraments too. We are currently in the remembrance of Jesus' sacrifice and crucifixion for the sake of saving the world from sin. I love Jesus, no doubt.
However, now that I am more educated, I also KNOW that a lot of the Christian religion (all denominations) has been constructed throughout thousands of years by politics, power and land conquering and absorption. That is just factual.
Jesus was a real man, this is also fact.
Maybe he was a delusional schizophrenic who believed he was the son of God and if born today would be on Thorazine in a mental institution, labeled unsafe for the masses.
Maybe, he was in fact the son of God and sent by his Holy Father to save us from our sins.
My personal belief, is that Jesus Christ was a courageous man with a message of love, and a conviction to be true to his ideals regardless of consequences.
If only there were more like him, sigh.
I not only respect Jesus Christ for his beliefs, I keep him in mind sometimes as I set out to do bad - WWJD?
BUT, with that said, I have learned through my education and my own personal growth that Jesus is not the only way.
I studied a ton of world religions this semester and found that ALL of them had bits and pieces I would consider worship-able, some of them more than other no doubt, but the amazing thing is that all RELIGIONS ultimately strive for humanity to evolve to a higher level of self awareness, understanding and compassion.
Compassion would be key here for me and also inclusion. These two facets of religion are the most important in my view.
Compassion, well duh.
Inclusion, well because regardless of whether you believe in the Holy Trinity, Buddha or Allah - we are ALL HUMAN and therefore free to believe in whatever deity we so choose.
The reason I am commenting on religion at all, is because I see an anti-Muslim sentiment around me that I find displeasing and sad.
What cracks me up is that most people who have this anti-Muslim ideal, don't realize that Judaism, Christianity and the Muslim faith are off- shoots of each other and literally fit together like puzzle pieces. Although they differ in many ways, they are ultimately co-operative belief sets that differ at all based mostly on ethnicity and origin of Birth and oh let's not forget colonialism...
Muslim worshipers have the most unbelievably devout mindset that it makes me as a Catholic look like a slacker.
Did you know that as a self proclaimed Muslim, you make a vow to travel to Mecca at least once in your life to make the holy pilgrimage? Millions of people do this every year.
Did you know that Buddhists believe that Nirvana is in all of us already and that all you need to do to attain it, or find "your face before you were born" is to find that perfect state of emptiness within yourself - and by empty they mean no judgment, no conditioning, no pretty purses or computers...
INCLUSION people, inclusion.
We are humans. We are therefore, all brothers and sisters and brothers and sisters should never shun or shut out one of their own.
Now, I will say that I understand that MUSLIM and TERRORIST are synonymous for a lot of Americans, but this idea is also not okay for me, and shouldn't be for you as an American.
Terrorists are Terrorists and religion has nothing to do with it at all. Plenty of Christians kill Christians, hell Plenty of Christians killed million of Jews.
Terrorism is TERROR.
I also understand that the freak shows who flew the planes into the World Trade Centers were praying to Allah in the seconds before they turned to dust.To that I say, well of course they were - I'd probably resort to Our Father's and Hail Mary's too, seconds before my life materialized into nothing but a wasted purpose.
The people who attacked our Country and killed our citizens in the name of Allah were not making a religious statement with their actions they were making a political statement and happened to use 'their' God to hide behind.
This is no new concept throughout history and certainly shouldn't be credited to the Muslim's as the originator.
Terrorism is what our country was founded on if you really want to get technical, just ask any Native American Indian living on a "reserve" situated by a nuclear waste site, they'll tell you - Christian settlers sure did a number on their indigenous people, I believe in numbers upwards of TWO MILLION.
So, my point is this.
Let's celebrate Easter (if you do) being mindful that the reason we celebrate it now (in April) is because it fit nicely into the already PAGAN spring festival hence the bunny (fertility) and the other 'traditional' Springy things that have nothing to do with the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Let's be really mindful that before Jesus there were religions as far back as the appearance of Human's and that ultimately what every religion has had in common, is being the best human being we can be.
We must stop hating, judging, segregating and perpetuating a cycle of inhumanity that will do absolutely nothing but give people reason to become terrorists because why not, hate reigns supreme....
We are different and if you believe in God, and follow Christianity, then you know we are all created in God's likeness - you don't have to be Aquinas or Descartes to figure out that if you BELIEVE that, than YOU MUST BELIEVE we are all created in perfection, done deal nothing more to consider - Just be.
May you ALL be well...

we all do it the same way...

Hey hey hey,
For those of you who are not in Virginia, I feel it is my duty to inform you that the State, or at the very least my little portion of it, is completely NEON GREEN. Last week we had some intense rain and then, like it always does eventually, the sun returned and BAM, we are knee deep in pollen. My eyes have itched all day and I had to de-pollen even the inside of my house (open windows) I am not complaining - I am in itchy eyed, raspy throated heaven. Allergies have your way, you can't hold me down.
I love Spring days like the one I had today. I sat outside on the wall beyond the door at school and lifted my head high, extending and stretching my neck as far back as it would go before snapping, closed my eyes to the bright warm sun and took a deep breath as the breeze worked in time to not only blow through my hair but to also tickle my nose as it pushed my inhale along, a little assistance from the perfect moment to make it even more so. Ahhhh, Spring how I love thee.
Not only did I revel in the sunshiney breezes and absorb the very neon green into my soul, I excitedly popped in an old cd from the visor of forgotten music. I pried it free from it's dark sleeve as I left the parking lot at school, thought maybe it was high time it be heard and I smiled as I saw Mary's handwriting, DMB Virginia show disc 2....
The player was on random and so I had no idea what heavenly sound would flood my ears first..
It went kinda like this. bam bam bam bam bam bam bam ...Carter Beuford on the drums yeeahhh. Then this ripping base bow bow bow bow bow....Stefan you sex pistol you.
Then Boyd Tinsley you crazy Motherfucker, hurting those strings with that magic wand you call a bow....And then my man and his rhythm guitar dadadaddadadda, like foreplay, just like foreplay. sigh.
And then the archangel himself, Leroi, blowing his light through the brass tube, a bong if ever there were one and I am HIGHHHHHHH.
The very first song I fell in love with, Ants Marching.
I remember just the moment it happened for me, the moment that this song was etched on my heart and I felt not so alone in the world for having seen myself an ant...
My very first DMB show, THE SHOW that changed the direction of my life, but that is a story for another blog.
Focus, DEB FOCUS.
I think I was 24, I think is was July. I know that I traveled my ass off to get to where I was going that night. Flew in from Texas, landed in Boston tan and refreshed, drove home to Maine, grabbed my other clothes, my bag of pot and the one sweet world picture in a bread tie and hit the road to Connecticut. Yeah, girl will travel....
This was my first DMB show and the night I would party with Dave to the wee hours of the AM, but again, sheesh FOCUS DEB.
Ants Marching - shit, it was crazy, and as usual in all crazy beautiful moments I did the Deb weep/laugh - it is the most amazing feeling the two emotions merging and forging through my chest together up and out, a sound like no other when it exits my mouth. If you are ever nearby when this happens I will clutch you, and pull at you while I furiously jump up and down, a lot.
The show was AMAZING and I was in awe, like real awe. Boyd Tinsley's hair alone, spreading up and cutting through the neon lights, like a swimming jelly fish in reverse as his big white teeth grinned so wide that the chocolate skin seemed cut clear in two for the joy of that smile - that sight alone - awe inspiring. I can remember my own joy gathering, building steam from some pressure cooker deep in my guarded soul - guess what baby you're about to break free...
The whole night, wow.
But the moment I am getting to, the one I remembered today in the car, careening dangerously through the green, swerving to and fro about the yellow lines, was the encore - the traditional ANTS MARCHING - holy o'hell.
If you know a live DMB show, you know how it goes. But back in the day it was all new and fresh and unexpected, no one knew back then...
I will never forget how the girls next to me lit a joint just as the drum beats started and we all raised our hands to the air, joints ends waving like lighters and we cheered for the DMB National Anthem.
For most of my life, up until that very moment, I felt like a foreigner in a strange land, misunderstood, quirky, a bit beyond the norm - And then as Leroi unleashed his sax on the crowd and Boyd matched him wail for wail, Dave yelled "yeaaaaah Lawwwd" and the lights of the entire stadium came on, a static, penetrating electric white light.
My mouth fell open, I covered it with a protective hand and laugh/cried aloud for the sight of it...
Everywhere I looked, everywhere around me, people sang the words at the top of their lungs, heads thrown back in fierce commitment, sweat flinging from her to him, to me, to her, and back again, and everyone - I mean everyone was dancing the most ecstatic dance I had ever seen. Thousands and thousands and thousands of people in the throws of musical love. Then it peaked, the sounds frenzied from the energy and culminated in that climactic Ants Marching ending, and for the first time in my life I knew I was not alone.
I am tearing up just for remembering...
And so, today in the spring of my fortieth year, I listened to Ants Marching in the neon of a new green and felt grateful that I have taken these chances rather than placing them in a box until a quieter time....

(Once in a lifetime Mary, no boxes...)

dream a little dream for me....

Good Morning blog land,
I just woke up from the strangest dream and although I have no doubt that none of you will have any interest in what goes on during my REM phase, I just have to get it out of my head before it fades in detail anymore.
So it went like this...
I was in a house, not my own, in the dense woods somewhere?
And it was jam packed with people, Mary, Shawn the kids, my kids yada yada and yet,
in a remote little corner of the house, a living room nook or cranny I think, there was Dave Matthews.
YESSSSSSS. But no wait. He wasn't married to his wife Ashley (also a yessssss) But no wait... He had this bimbo of a girlfriend, you know the type "Heeheeheee" - when nothing is funny, got it?
And she was like straight out of 1985, tight permed curly hair, too much blue frosty eye shadow, too tight jeans - a mess to behold.
At any bizarre rate, Dave thought she was the shiznit - this girl was the apple of his eye - which was weird to me and yet made perfect sense because it was if Dave had taken a bite out of the apple picked right from the garden of moron.
He seemed void of all the insight and depth, completely different from the man that opens his mouth in a scream and all the pain of the world escapes and takes flight in chariot led by golden horses towards a higher existence somewhere where pain just doesn't hurt anymore....
Suddenly Dave was just plain idiotic. He was all about this trophy girlfriend who was for all intents and purposes nothing more than a glad trash bag.
I dreamed it, don't judge me - this is straight up dream time regurgitation.
And sooooo, it went like this.
"yeah Dave so I am thinking of going home up North" (me)
and he was like, "yeah but you hate the cold" (girlfriend "heehehheehhee" for no apparent reason?)
And it went on like this for a bit as we discussed the merits of Virginia vs. the Northern frozen tundra and his girlfriend just incessantly giggled while he salivated at the mouth as if every utterance from her lips was like honey straight from the bee.
Then, he said "so you wanna write a book ha?"
And then he asked if I would write his story and I said, "Sure Dave" but, in order to do that I really would have to go on tour with him and I became acutely aware that if Bimbette was his new 24/7 sidekick, that would not fair well for my mental stability or better yet, my slacking admiration for my hero.
I said "Really Dave?" bewildered beyond any sense of misunderstanding I had ever experienced, face twisted up in a furrowed brow so deeply lined it actually hurt to have this expression on my face. "Really?"
And then I said this, "Cause if this is it, if this is all you got, every song you have ever written is about to change for me in a way that may leave unable to take my next breath?"
And she giggled and I felt homicidal and remembered back in the early 90's where he came tome across the crowd of VIP's, when I first saw him in real time, curls newly buzzed, in orange plaid pants, so tall and so lanky and I thought man you are an orange and I want to peel you clean, and he held up that finger he used to pick his guitar and he mouthed "wait" to me and I looked behind me like an always ready comedian to see if it was the pretty girl behind me he was signaling to - but there wasn't one....And I remembered how later that night as he signed my Cd's and T'shirts, I asked him coyly, a good buzz gone round twice or thrice, I asked him with his spine exposed like keys to a piano, "Um do you mind if I just touch you, may I um just (exhale shaky breath - inhale deeply all the way up from my toes)run my fingers right along here (touching him gently) because there is an invitation and my answer is yess yess yessss."
And how he paused and turned his head in a lazy sexy smile and said, "I take it you'll be attending then?"
And how I LAUGHED because it was funny as shit and we WERE the same flavor of crazy and OMG who is this idiot he has dangling off his beautiful arm and where is my knight in shining wit????
Because #41 and Say Goodbye and every other angst ridden anthem of my life is about to become nothing more than a distant memory and I am going to freak out.
Change scenery -
then I stripped down to my bra and panties and went out in the pouring rain and thought, I have to know if I can brave the elements stripped down bare and I began to walk through the woods in my undergarments and I think a pair of pumps (?)
I walked and and the water rushed down my face continuously enough that I had to keep my lips defensively pursed to keep from drowning. My bra and panties clung to me like another layer of my own wet dermis and I forged on deeper and deeper into the density of the trees and the rain.
The sounds were like the loudest symphony like Beethoven's 5th, DA DA DA DA - the rain beating the leaves and the percussion sound of the drops as they slammed off my body.
I thought I can do this, I can round the bend by the river and walk on, I can keep going with nothing here to shield me, I don't need the sun, I can skate at the Dyer Arena on the snowy days and the love will be enough to keep me warm and the kids, the kids they love the snow, they love the love...mud slides rising up around me.
change-
Soupy sales (OMG WHAT?)
was on a skate board with a bunch of young skate punks and they were racing and I was watching a spectator like at the INDY 500 (is that a race name?)
and all these people were screaming and cheering and I was so confused and then the track was littered with fallen teenagers and there was Soupy, boarding on to the finish line neck and neck with this young punk and he moves just a wheel ahead for the win and the crowd goes crazy like crazy crazy and he skates by me and says
"I'm so much more than a caricature"
Bam AWAKE.
Thoughts OMG????

Buh Bye boulders...

Hi everyone in blog land,
Wow it sure has been a long while since I last spewed at the mouth....
That unfortunately is a sign of my way too busy life.
This semester has proved to be my most challenging to date, not necessarily the work load but the life load coupled with the work load. I am lucky to be hanging on at all considering all the personal things that have been going on this term.
I say that (type it) then chuckle, realizing that a year ago I had to drop a class because my Papa died and I was returning home to say goodbye...
Oh my Papa.... I miss him so much and can only imagine how my Nan must feel.
A year is a long time to be without your other half.
I guess this is a transition point???
I have been taking this World religions class, I am fairly certain I recall previous blogs inspired by this class? At any rate, we are working on Buddhism as of late and I am so moved by the Buddhist practices that I am, yet again on the verge of something life altering.
Crazy how that just keeps happening for me...
The Buddhists believe that nothing is permanent and that human unhappiness comes from an unwillingness to accept that everything WILL change, everyone WILL die.
I will not deny, that this DOES in fact cause me a great deal of emotional strife.
I don't want to die, but even more than that, I don't want people I love to die.
And yet, in my life, dying is as central a theme for me as living. So many people that I have loved have passed on.
And then I panic in my head and think Oh shit, just not my kids, please not my kids.
But....Kids die everyday and mine bear no immunity different from those.
Buddha began his teachings by giving away.
In effort to accept the things I cannot change, like that everything WILL AND DOES AND WILL ALWAYS CHANGE, I think I am going to practice giving away and stripping back on what I do not need.
I am good at the purge, just not always so GOOD INTENTIONED in my purging practices. In all honesty, I do a lot of what I do, to prove that I CAN.
I have lived a long life of fighting back and proving others wrong.
I want to prove right to and for myself only.
I want to move closer to the type of enlightenment that I read about and internally crave.
There was a time a few years back I lost a ton of weight to prove something to someone (or a few someones) and to slay a demon (or a few demons) of the self doubting nature.
There was a time I got a 4.0 GPA to prove to myself that I was in fact smart enough, watch me now....
Thing about that mindset is..... That it changes, it HAS changed.
I am thinking about INTENTION more than ever, and HONESTY.
Kinda the way I also view JOY and PAIN (pump it up pump it up, like sunshine and rain)
Things that go together...(like my Nana and Papa sigh)
I have to find some more peace and I think that starts here and now with these words.
I thought about it all day, remembering the way my Papa looked as I knelt by his casket -
nothing is permanent and good intention is vital to good existence within the time we have.
I am a good person, I have no qualms with my goodness - I do however take up with the attainable goodness vs. the experienced goodness and how the two are interconnected and not up to God or destiny or even Karma but up to, you guessed it ME...
So you piss me off.... What am I going to do with it?
So I have no time....What will I do with the time I do have?
So my body feels like crap and is a vessel....How will I care for it?
And so on and so on.
I have been a victim, no doubt.
I have MADE myself a victim, noooooo doubt.
Worst thing to realize is, victim is as victim does...
Now I am not saying that it is all my fault, all the shit, the hell, the pain, the absolute crap of life. NO.
But I am saying that INTENTION is half the battle.
INTENTION, that real inner thought, main motivator, the purpose involved is KEY.
My intention to PROVE something has got to go.
I am thinking that I need to listen to the birds sing more, the winds blow more.
I want to hike to the top of a mountain and sit in meditation and think about how neither it, nor the sky, nor the sweat pooling in my bra is permanent and that the intention behind all of those realizations is to truly HAVE them. BE in them because I am alive, because right now I CAN.
Does that make sense?
Not to get into the bikini and look good, but to put something into my body that will help me help it reach it's intended potential and to feel good.
Not to write the book just to write it, but to have the intention to say something meaningful and representative of my spirits time here, my observations of every detail that hasn't eluded me.
I don't make any sense do I?
Well, I do in my head and my INTENTION in these words is for me to get it, so I guess goal attained even if I leave you scratching your head. huh?
I spend too much time doing stupid meaningless shit, too much money on stupid meaningless shit and too much energy working against positive healthy energy - all means to the wrong INTENTIONED END.
Today at school, I talked to so many people. So many people smiled at me, said hello. I felt their energy, they felt mine. I give good energy when I take the time and focus, truly attend to that exchange and when it is with pure intention and not some ulterior motive, even ones underlying and hidden and shhhh'ed.
I spend too much time trying to be too many things to too many people that won't be permanent and don't matter anyways.
I want to live my life with better intention because my life is not permanent.
In order to do that, I think I have to make some key changes in my day to day life.
I am NEVER going to NOT paint my toe nails, but I think I currently have enough polish colors to paint a thousand feet in rainbows of every shade variation -
SOOO no CVS and the make up aisle for boredom sake, I'm sure there is a book Emma can read me in the time it would take to waste my 5.99.
Let's give vanity a rest, no one gives a shit what I look like anyway...
NO shopping. No spending. No bad shit in my body. No negativity for the sake of making noise in the face of uncomfortable silence. No facebook for a while. No constant phone checking. Maybe even shut off friggen cable?
I want to strip down naked (emotionally and psychologically) and allow myself to rise to the surface free from all the needless burdens that materialize in all my misguided intentions.
Cause just like you, I have em'
Ohhh do I have them.
So yeah, time to reevaluate and figure out a less cluttered path.
Going to give away (figuratively) all the shit I carry around like a back pack full of boulders that I definitely do not need weighing me down...
I may not be here tomorrow, so why not start today????

Here comes the sun little darlin'

Good lose an hour of sleep Sunday morning,
NO bitching - we gain an hour of sunshine and light YAY!!!
So this entry may not make any sense to anyone, I can feel it forming in my head as I type, but I am quite sure that it may read as fairly non- specific....I apologize for that in advance (I do that whole disclaimer thing a lot don't I ???)
Well, here goes... Last night I had an epiphany...
I cannot and I mean absolutely CANNOT make someone who does not want to see, SEE.
Period.
Me myself, I am in a constant state of emotional evolution, I am learning, taking, giving and exchanging with other humans alllll the time. I put myself and my TRUTHS out to the world in a stripped down bare, WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT IT IS nature. I CRAVE learning and I CRAVE change and I think the most poignant moments come when someone else either turns the light on or we do it together in unison (smiling coyly)
I want what others think, feel and know to be the missing pieces to my massive and colorful (and hopefully not even close to completed) jigsaw puzzle.
It's a beautiful thing that I wouldn't change if I could, why in the hell would I ???
BUT, that is ME, not everyone.
There is a large part of the population that does not operate this way and looks down on openness and willingness of my sort.
I see it a lot in the form of raised eyebrows and the turned up noses.
Sorry Dudes and Dudettes, but I have no apology for it.
I have someone in my life that CANNOT do the conversational/communicative aspect of life. Everything is an argument, everything is a fight, everything is negative and ugly and divided.
Their SIDE VS. MINE.
It is just so frustrating.
For the longest time, and I mean years and years of my life I have been convinced that if I hung in and stated my position over and over that eventually there would be a moment of movement- a give moment- an epiphany moment on his part.
I thought eventually the light will go on.
BUT, I have figured out last night, in MY EPIPHANY, that some people prefer the darkness.
I don't get it, but oh wait, I sort of do I guess.
If I had to identify a parallel of understanding from my own experience, I imagine it is similar to my old bad habit of being afraid.
The fear kept me paralyzed.
I guess the darkness is safer for some people.
My epiphany is this,
I cannot buy sunglasses and lead anyone out of their cave, they have to want to see the light themselves...
SIGH
I however will say, that I don't believe that my way is wrong. I DO believe that my way is RIGHT and I'm not moving from that position no matter what. I believe that the purpose of this life is to live it just the way I am (minus of course this bullshit tug o'war that has robbed me of far too much precious energy)
I believe that growing and changing for the better comes in numbers, with patient communication and in shutting up long enough to LISTEN and just IMAGINE that maybe there is something learned from another person. Many people, all people, everything.
Proof that I am correct, that my arrow strikes the target, comes in this very blog...
As stagnant as he is, I learned from him, an epiphany came for my life through this struggle with him.
It is not my job to drag anyone,anywhere.
I'll say it again (and this is for my sake)
I am living right for me, I am RIGHT for me, for me, for me.
I am right for me and you are right for you.
Our experience and wants are dramatically different.
You yelled, "let me out of this room!!!!"
I turned, and quietly shut the door behind me, left you alone to your darkness... EPIPHANY.
And today with an extra hour of light - GO FIGURE.

For Lynn Divers -"DIE TUMOR DIE"

Good Sunday Morning beautiful blog readers....
I have so much on my plate right now that logging in to a website that is not academic feels criminal, like I need to do it when no one is looking, shhhh... So, I am going to make this blog brief and carve it out straight from my brain in a rapid fire of words. I apologize in advance for the rant like, frenzied quality.
There are so many things I want to blog about this week, so so many. The one thing that I will take the time to fuss about is something that I have written about over and over in the past, this blog is a variation on the main theme of my life - motherhood.
About two weeks ago, I heard of a young girl from our community that had a sore knee (simple enough, growing pains) that ended up being bone cancer. I don't know her personally but to recognize her and her family.
Thing about me is that I don't need to know someone to have their pain pervade the cockles of my heart and take over. I am just heart broken for this family.
A few years back I heard of a young boy in our community who had also had been diagnosed with a life threatening condition, same reaction - my heart just weighed so much in my chest, a brick of concern. In that scenario, I cooked dinner, bought the mom special gifts of inspiration and knocked on their front door, an offer of my help - whatever they needed.
I don't know what else to do but offer the simplicity of my psychotic life up on the alter of perspective and get to work for someone who has real problems.
And I guess that is my point.
What the hell are my exams, my tuition burdens, or the twenty pounds I have gained in scope, up against cancer? They are simply put, the characteristics of an ordinary life.
The Mother of this young girl (Alyssa Divers) has an online journal. Her name is Lynn. I follow her journal entries daily, I have integrated it in to my life like brewing coffee or brushing teeth....read Lynn's entry.
I usually log in to her site right before I go to bed, that way I have a few quiet moments (or hours) to let the messages I perceive sink deep into my psyche where I then go through a series of comparison exercises, what she is facing versus what I am facing.
My happy truth is that there is no comparison or parallel even, to be made...
I read an entry the other night where Lynn was describing Alyssa having her hair washed, conditioned and brushed - her golden blond hair that her Mother has always rubbed for comfort that will shortly fall out... Lynn was trying to come up with new ways to soothe her daughter, minus the standard girl go to, the hair stroke.
Jesus. I am crying now just processing...
That night, I looked at Emma who was in my bed, like she is every night despite the back aches that plague me due to her bed hogginess,
I looked at her sleeping peacefully, in the safety net of her comfort zone (my bed) with her crazy blond and pink hair splayed out on my pillow like a peacocks feathers....
I cried for Lynn, I cried for a Mother I don't know, bawled like a baby...
Naturally I pray for Alyssa's health as her good health is the key to Lynn's peace.
I honestly want nothing more than for all the children in the world to be healthy and outlive their parents as the natural order of life dictates, a parent should never have to bury their own baby.
If only my want, was powerful enough to make that a reality.
I am praying and praying and praying.
And I am thinking and thinking and thinking...
I told Lynn the other night in a "guest book" entry that is must suck and be a blessing simultaneously, to have her awful pain be the catalyst for other peoples acknowledgment of their lack there of....
That statement there is in essence my personal commitment to Lynn and Alyssa.
I can't make all the babies of the world cancer free, BUT I can let Lynn's maternal suffering and Alyssa's unfair burden be my inspiration to PAY ATTENTION TO HOW LUCKY I AM.
I always thought it would never be me and then Matthew's diagnosis came. It can always be me, statistics say, it's you or me or my neighbor....
People this life is a blessing. OH MY GOD IT IS SO GOOD.
Even when it sucks with the overflow of bullshit, it is still an overflow and that is more than enough.
Lynn is the focus of my energy. When I think of all this (constantly) I am thinking primarily of Lynn and her journey. One Mother to another Mother.
God GIVE HER STRENGTH.
sigh....
I hope that when you get to the end of my word vomit, you will take a moment and say a prayer (if you pray) for Alyssa. Lynn has a wish that it goes like this - "DIE TUMOR DIE" !!!!!!
Then say a prayer for Lynn.
(she needs the community of other Mothers to provide her with an energy love force field strong enough to ward off despair and hopelessness)
Then, count your own blessings.
Then,
Imagine if you will,
that maybe these things happen,
to make others appreciate their blessings.
And, if that is the case (and I don't know that it is)
what will you do with your today and tomorrow and the next day?
MAKE IT COUNT...
Love and love and love some more, tell everyone you love,
"I love you"

(Thanks Alyssa and Lynn for the reminder)

P.S. I love you (everyone reading)