Dao is my exam state

Hi,
I am in the library and I shouldn't be doing this...I just finished my Psych exam, took me an hour, we had three. Not quite sure how I feel, but I will say it was not as bad as I expected. I woke up late this morning to discover that there was NO COFFEE. This was harder for me to take than 100 multiple choice questions - I have a head ache and wish that there was a way to just get the caffeine straight into my blood stream, like now...
A central line would definitely do the trick. sigh.
I have an exam in forty five minutes - World Religions, this one is going to kick my ass, no doubt about it. You and me both are wondering why I am not with my face in a book instead of here blog ranting???
Answer - I am just plain over it.
I guess my exam scores will really be an indicator of what I have learned and retained this semester. Not cramming it all in last minute, is actually kinda liberating...
Just wish the liberation would make me stop shaking like a brittle autumn leaf on a breeze.
Beginning to think this semester may finish off Monday night with a grand Mal-seizure...
sigh - shake uncontrollably on that exhale, deep inhale- shake more and slice up tongue...
Okay well enough of this nonsense, I could be outside chain smoking my way to a heart attack - hey, at least that would give me a legit excuse to miss the exam - a little more time to thing about the Dao de jing and Wuwei...
Exactly...
Right on - Exam four here I come.

What am I supposed to be doing? Oh wait... hold, on - it's right on the missing tip of my tongue

Still avoiding the books, I think I have made my choice - still have two eyes too, go figure...
I'll tell you what I do need, OCD meds - Yeah I OCD blog - sure, but you wanna know what I really do, all the time - obsessively - compulsively - ridiculously????
I shred my poor little tongue all to hell on my Dracula tooth....
What the hell is that right?
It's this fine little $5,000 dollar piece of dentist wizardry that is in my pie hole.
It happened like this....
A few years back I was innocently eating a caramel/chocolate filled center NIP.
Do you know what they are? They are utter perfection in candy making, my Grampie always had a box right next to his recliner...I was raised on the NIPS.
At any rate, I was walking through CVS on my way to work and there I passed it, the little red price cut sign - NIPS 88 cents - naturally because I am a chocolate whore - I bought them and proceeded to eat them all day long at work-
Until.... I felt something hard. Hmmmmm?
Oh wait that was a filling, shit, seriously??
But you know what?
No pain!
And then I proceeded to go off sugar for the Las Vegas hottie training and of course then it began to hurt every time I ate anything sweet, sour, hot or cold.
Man...
I had not gone to the dentist in too many years to admit - severe dental anxiety - hate em, not going, fuck it, not doing it - what's a little hole in a tooth anyways?
I waited and popped lots of IBU.
Then one day in class, my buddy Tim next to me says - "Deb you okay, cause dudette I can feel the heat coming off your body and you look a little pasty?"
Yeah no, not okay.
Massive infection in the tooth/face.
Cry all the way to the dentists office, tell him I hate him and if he hurts me, he's going down -
Injection of antibiotics - script for giant pills, will fix the infection see you in two weeks and we will fill it up...
Or so my dentist thought (liar)....48 hours later I showed up in the office, crying begging for meds or a gun - no really.
Tooth extraction necessary - over to the oral surgeon. (have to call Dan for a ride insult to injury - pride and tooth both getting yanked)

And then there I was, little ole me with a gaping ass hole in my face the size of the Grand Canyon - sue me I have a big mouth and horse teeth...
I live this way for six months until I have literally doubled the hole by digging at it constantly with my little pitch fork tongue....I have tunneled through my gum line and into China (good thing I know how to say cake huh?)
And then one day, a sweet couple in my store are talking to me, he stops suddenly and says "What exactly are you doing in that mouth with that tongue of yours?"
Hand to mouth, recoil in horror - how did he know?
DENTIST.
SO - because we had made fast friends and he said I was way too cute to be digging my way to Asia by way of my face - he coaxed me out from behind the counter and examined my mouth right there in the store, Yup open wide missy.
I told him, "I like you, I hate my dentist - he's mean and maniacal"
He hears my sob story, inquires about finances - I am getting divorced - destitute - Mother to four - Catholic and a full time college student -
His wife nudges his arm, gives him the "look" and it's a done deal- he is gonna fix me up and be easy on the hole in my mouth and, (phew) the hole in my bank account.
Long story short -$5000.88 later - dental piece in my gum, it's sorta like a bridge only different - no more gaping hole, but lucky me.... A pretty little Dracula tooth.
It's not a fang by any means, it just has wings like a plastic Dracula teeth, a nice distinct ridge just perfect for self inflicted tongue shredding.
UGH.
And so, that's what I do constantly - I rub OCD style, like washing my hands repeatedly - just not that refined.
I know for sure that I have an oral fixation (easy X-raters) - confirmation by way of my psych class this semester - my Mother #1 didn't nurse me and then #2 robbed me, and I mean robbed me of my binky when I was clearly not ready to let it go. I remember the sound of my own hysterics to this day - BINKYYYYYYYYYYY
It's all my Mother's fault.
I think maybe for Mother's day I'll UPS her a few of my severed taste buds, grrrr...
So sigh - here I sit, orally fixating away instead of studying - simultaneously realizing - either way I go, I am doomed to OCD shred.
If I study, I shred. If I am guilty and procrastinating, I shred.
I cannot stop - shred with a hole, shred with a dracula tooth...
Shred shred shred.
I wonder if there is a name for this disorder - Oh wait yeah there is - it's DEB DOES LIFE!
(maybe I'll go read a little now....) but just maybe....

A rainy ramble on...

Good rainy morning,
I just sat out on my front porch beneath the canopy of hanging and potted plants and watched Momma red breast watch me. She bounced around the lawn, dodging massive rain drops, coming closer to me than she ever has. I suspect those blue eggs are getting close to cracking open, we are engaged in a battle for territory now. My Nana's plant, or hers? I tried to tell her that I am no threat to her babies - I tried to talk in my most non-threatening soothing mother voice - futile attempt to comfort - She wants no part of me anywhere on my own porch near her children. I totally get it.
Yesterday Mimzy reported a close encounter, a near-bird attack, she said mother red breast flew at in her face and sqwaucked (how do you spell that?) loudly at her - I think Mimz was a little scared and also a little confused. She assured me that she won't harm the eggs, won't touch them, wants to see the babies safe and sound - she was a little bummed that Mother red breast sees her as a threat. Naturally I did what I do best and acted out a scenario for Mimz - I explained that to her, we are big scary threatening giants to that teeny little birdie and she is just doing the same thing that I would do if some Sasquatch approached my babies - war cry, you better watch yourself... She laughed at my goofiness (as did Kevin, although he would deny it) and seemed a little less emotionally scarred by the whole incident. Dr. Mimzy Doolittle was able to put the attack in context.
I hope Mother bird doesn't begin literally dive bombing in and beaking my family members - could make going in and out of the house very trying, I don't want to have to fight her for entry into my home.
Why oh why did she ever choose the porch of this whacked out family - did she not observe the constant activity, the nerf darts, hear the thud of the basketball???
Ugh Mother bird, what were you thinking?
On Sunday Matt and Bryce (neighborhood pal) were engaged in a nerf gun battle of epic proportion, they had their arsenal of weapons strapped to thighs, in waist bands, tucked in socks and were carrying what appeared to be nerf bazookas... I was in my bedroom, had just gotten out of the shower and saw a huge dart whiz by my window. Forgetting about Bryce, I ran to the door in my towel and began to scream at Matthew to not shoot darts in the front lawn anywhere near the damn nest - Poor Bryce saw me in a towel with wet Medusa hair - Poor kid is probably damaged for life. That is just a sight that needs never to be seen by such a young unspoiled child...I was just so afraid for the nest, and equally afraid that one of the kids would lose and eye to a beak strike.
In essence, I now have seven kids - my four and her three - great just great, just what I need.
Maybe this is practice for Grandmother-hood? I just gagged on my coffee...
Sigh - Heave
I should be studying - I have two really tough exams tomorrow - a cumulative psych exam and world religions.
Eastern religions are thoroughly kicking my ass because the terminology is words that are foreign to me - it was hard enough to keep the Indian words straight - but now we have moved into Dao - and really, I'll just be honest, I can't remember, let alone pronounce Chinese words. The best I can do is the one worders on the back of fortune cookie fortunes - Chinese word for cake - dan gao. Now that I know by heart...It's called priorities people.
Lost in China, I get cake - sounds perfectly reasonable to me.
Ugh.
can you tell I am avoiding the books?
Here's my deal - I just cannot do it all and I am plain whipped.
My oldest son came home at the very beginning of this semester - he is almost twenty-one. After four years with his girlfriend, they finally broke up. I won't divulge any more of his business because he is an adult and privacy matters - I will just say that it has been a difficult four months for him, me - us. The strain of family issues coupled with five pretty demanding classes has left me at this point, running on fumes from the reserve tank.
I want to do well, but I just don't have the energy to fight for it. Four kids, 25 hours a week in retail and five college classes could seriously just about kill an old girl.
What really screwed me up - was my Nana informing me that Papa graduated with a 4.0 GPA. This was an off the cuff Nana reveal. I was home for his funeral services (just about end of semester last year) - she asked how school was going, I told her about my GPA and she unknowingly put me in the pressure cooker of my own stupid head - Papa, he was just so smart - like brilliant smart - he knew a lot about most everything...Top of his class 4.0 GPA, ugh.
I want to make him proud of his Pumpkin, and so now I strive for all A's and pretty much gut myself in the process.
I am smart sure, but smart in some ways, completely moronic in others. Some things actually take a lot of effort and I am tapped in the effort department.
So what to do, what to do?
Part of me just wants to accept that perfection just isn't my gig - hello beautiful mess...Part of me wants to give in and just be average and have that be okay - cause after all average under my circumstances, that is a feat.
But....I am a scrapper by nature and getting gritty is what I do.
Today - I wait to see what side of me will prevail.
I will say, I ache. My body is stiff and sore, my head feels foggy and my eyes have sunk into my skull and swim in pools of liquefied brain matter - I feel like the contents of my cranium have been blenerized...I am beat.
If I do nothing at all today, I may come away tomorrow with grades just below the 90 mark, this equals B's...
Per my calculations, I am teetering on the A/B line in Geography, Psych and maybe religion - possibly English too which is totally my fault - I didn't cite enough sources on my Sula paper - totally couldn't find anything that pertained grrr.
B's are okay right? Or, do I duke it out and go for the glory?
B's are okay right???
I am trying to look at the totality of my accomplishments - Oh my God I am such a freak - I feel motivation creeping up as I type these words of resignation... But really, B's are okay right???
Maybe I should force myself not study and get the B's and just get imperfection over with so that I can stop fighting with myself - part of me really thinks that is the ticket.
Remember Deb, you are not out to prove anything - you are out to live.
I think I will go consult Mother red breast - maybe she'll poke my eye out and give me a reason not to read....
later taters - peace

out of my head, hello - thanks lady love...

Hey all ya'll I'm backkkkk.
My Bff just called cracking up after reading my last insane post - she told me I should write some more, and like now. Don't ever let her fool you, she likes me crazy.
So for Mary, I write...
A couple years back, my life had turned to complete shit. My marriage had tanked, I was broke and alone and most of all - hopeless. Those of you who follow, know already that self-esteem has been a real issue for me in the past.
My BFF Mary had simply had enough of being the sole guest to my pity parties and did what every good friend will do for another. She forced my hand - called me out and put our love on the line...
She gave me the education talk, told me college would change my out-look, that I needed to fight the fear, slay the damn demon and then... then she made me promise that I would finally go.
When your soul mate says "promise me" - you do what you have to do - you promise.
So when ECP got on the bus for Kindergarten, I drove my sorry, scared ass to PVCC and began my formal higher education.
Mary does this for a living - she is a financial aid wiz in the great state of Maine, she is on a daily basis, a champion of the college experience.
Who knew, her greatest professional achievement would come in the form of her bestie.
Now, two years in to my degree, I consider myself her education bandwagon groupie.
In my head I fantasize that she and I will be a team - someone, somewhere will pay us to go and put on the Deb and Mary show for high school students, we will get all the kids who think they don't have any good reason to go, inspired and enrolled.
I would serve as the walking, talking example of why you should not go the "other" road. I'd do my crazy charisma thing, win all the kids over with my charm, freak them out with all my horror stories, then finally inspire them with all my subsequent collegiate successes. When I was done, I would hand the baton to my beauty queen and she would rock their world with resources and financial aid factoids and we would change the world, one high school at a time.
Sexually transmitted diseases would go down, teen pregnancy would cease to be a problem and no young women would ever go forth in life feeling incapable of anything.
Yup that's how it would go...
Ahh if only someone would pay us and it would warm the hell up in Maine...
See here's the deal.
College has saved my life.
College has saved my life in so many ways that it would take ten blogs for me to even hit the tip of my iceberg.
Last year I would have told you it boosted my confidence and gave me hope -
This year I say, and I mean this - it is impossible (in my opinion) for anyone to realize the scope of their own personal power without higher education.
Big statement.
How so? Well I'll tell you...
If you do not fully understand the history of this world, the rise and fall of civilizations, the conception of different religions, great philosophers, partake in classic literature, view magnificent pieces of art - if you do not understand your world and how you came to be in it, you cannot fully comprehend the magnificence of your own being.
Before I went to college I thought I knew what I needed to know - I quote myself
"there is a tremendous difference in being a survivor and being a thriver"
No truer words out of my mouth will ever be spoken.
I am so thankful that I now know all the things I didn't really know then.
I am a writer - I am a philosopher.
Before I knew James Joyce, Emily Dickinson, Socrates and Rene Descartes, I assumed I was just a little tapped...
Now I know, now I truly understand how important I am.
Mary always nagged "your answer is college" and I always hid trembling behind my excuses.
So good to be out of my head and into a room of equals - hello.
Thanks Guru - I plan to make you very proud.

post exam stream of unconciousness

There is nothing left to do but get between the cool sheets, prop up on my fluffy pillows and eat cheetos til my fingers turn orange.
I could save my unwashed fingers for a in an emergency meal plan.
Yeah that's what I'll do, I won't wash my hands.
Oh Dave you creep in unnoticed don't you, you hide in my nooks and crannies.
There was a multiple choice on a final today - pick the best suited explanation of a brain drain,
ha I got one for ya...
And so it goes, the eye make up is dragging down beneath my sweaty palms, war paint of turquoise black and cheetos orange (insert tribal scream here)
And you think I would care but I don't, not one little itty bit, not at all.
If they ask me whats for dinner, I have a plan of attack - I will look blankly back at them, just stare without one word - decipher this.
They may be afraid of me, wonder why I've gone tribal, back up from me so as not to be human sacrificed - smart kids
Cold Diet Pepsi is the God I worship right now, cold bubbles that tickle my throat and fuzz up my nose and tell me yes, yes you are still alive.
I went the post exam freak out route and approached the edge of heart attack - I ate a corned beef sandwich with swiss and spicy mustard on rye - it slowed my pulse and tamed the shakes.
I bought a pack of Rolo's to melt up warm goo on my sore tongue, but I lost them and now I feel incomplete.
My eyes burn in their sockets and my lids feel like they weigh more than my ass.
This room is shady and I like it, the whir of the ceiling fan is inviting -
I wonder if I were to be finger printed right this very moment, would the maze of cheesy lines spell out this same story?
I wouldn't read it if it did, I'd lick the smudges clean, because without my rolo's I have a craving I can't satisfy and that makes me just eat everything out of spite.
There is a THUD THUD THUD in my chest and I like the rhythm, it's in time with the throbbing of my tired legs - good to keep in time.
In syncopation. THUD THUD THUD.
The bottom is scraping the back of my head, it's heavy and falling off.
The pillow is soft and the sheets are so cool - I smell cheetos.
Hey I need a sip my throat is wicked dry.

I have no good title...

Hi.
Holy crap I surpassed 2,000 hits on my blog - Man that is so freaking cool.
I am in the library at school, shoes off, diet pepsi by my side and power pointed out at the present moment - taking a break to blog even though I should be doing MORE Geography vocab - but, I am so OVER this studying shit.
I am almost to the point that I don't care anymore - willing to risk my GPA for my sanity...
I am just plain tired.
I stayed up far too late last night watching the news, I had CNN on when the announcement was made that President Obama would be making an announcement - I was worried for about five minutes that it may be Libya backlash, but then I just had a gut feeling that Osama bin laden had been killed or, at the very least captured.
Me personally - I have mixed emotions on his death. I wish that our Navy seal bad asses could have brought him back alive, put him on trial and then sent him off to one of our prisons for a nice long life in hell - I just hate killing of any kind.
Now I realize that I may sound like a borderline sympathizer with with Osama by not jumping on the hip hip hooray he's dead bandwagon - that is simply not the case. I will however say that I have looked away (again) from facebook as the images and words are all a little too ugly for my peace seeking eye balls - the picture of our own Lady Liberty holding the chopped and bloody head of bin Laden is just too much for me and a far cry from what I want to yell YAY about. Again, not sympathising - just not a fan of hate or killing of any kind. I certainly don't want my kids to see Lady Liberty, as beautiful a symbol as she is, all bloody and holding a human head.
And here I guess I make a point, if there is one to be made, it
harkens back in a sense to my previous blog regarding mis-directed hate towards the religion of Islam - bear with me.
Let me start here so as not to confuse anyone....

September 11th is a day I will never forget.
It was my first day of maternity leave just before Matthew was born.
I was drinking tea and eating toast in bed while I watched the today show.
Katie and Matt interrupted an author's interview to announce to the world that a plane had hit one of the world trade center towers. At first it seemed an accident of some horrible inconception - and then the second plane hit and via cell phone from a bystander on the streets of Manahttan, the NBC news team and the Nation realized we were under attack.
I tear up immediately when I allow myself to remember...
In brief - I picked up my kids from school as there were two other planes rumored to be over Virginia air space and I proceeded to sit on my couch for the rest of the day in absolute shock, just reeling from the devastation - holding on tight to my belly and my other two boys.
Kevin asked if terrorists were going to come up on our lawn as we watched the Pentagon, gaping hole and in flames...
I called my BFF Mary, who was due to fly down to Virginia later that week to be with me at Matthew's birth. Naturally we cried, bawled actually and then proceeded to turn it inside out as we tried to grasp the enormity of what was happening - Then it struck us, our personal loss....
No one that I knew personally had been directly impacted, no loss of life, no one missing, but - all the flights were grounded and Mary couldn't come.
Now that is obviously a "no big deal" loss when held up against what others were facing (I know), but under the circumstances of my pregnancy and the very real possibility that Matthew would die, not having Mary there to support me, felt like an a direct hit aimed at my heart and my hope.
I was going to need my best friend if my baby died...
Six days later, in the moment of silence before the stock exchange rang it's bell, Dr. Blommel my OB/GYB, held her gloved hand high in the air, (on her finger the pill to induce labor) - me in stirrups-spread eagle and together we observed a moment of silence with the rest of the country - the movement to begin recovery...

The week of the terrorist attacks, was a week full of both sorrow and joy in my life- it provided for me the ultimate contrast between the two...9/11 and my son lived...
I am full of sorrow still, for all the people who died that day - the victims, their families and all the brave men and women who ran to the rescue, the ones who went to help others and gave their lives doing so. My heart will never forget the loss of life and the pain that lives on for those who must live without their significant other. I also feel the pain for all the military personnel who have been injured or killed in the war against terrorism - their service is what allows me the freedom to sit here and type...of this I am so aware and so very thankful.
So back to my original point - Like I said, I am no sympathizer to terrorism or terrorists - But I sure do hate violence and I hate breeding it... Ask my family, I even hate war related video games - HATE THEM...
I guess I worry that Patriotism can sometimes look borderline terrorism, if it is gone about in the wrong way.
I say, be Patriotic without saying "YEAH FUCKING KILL THE BASTARD" - Don't have Lady Liberty bathed in Osama's blood (please)
I think if we behave like animals, then the terrorists will continue too as well - the cycle of violence and hatred will come full circle... It scares me a lot.
Like with your children, set a positive example.
I think it is more than okay to hang your American Flag, sing our National Anthem at the top of your lungs and to be relieved that he is gone gone gone(AMEN), but just keep in mind when you approach the verge of venomous hate - that is exactly what they expect of us. To them we are the bad guys.
I am glad that justice has been done for all those who were impacted by the 9/11 terrorist attacks.
I thank all the military branches for their service and their dilligence.
I am glad that we don't have to worry about this evil man anymore.
Please don't hate on the Muslims.
God Bless America my home sweet home.

Smells like Team Spirit

Hi Bloggers,
Everyone had a good weekend I hope? Mine has been busy busy busy and none of that busyness has included studying for my upcoming FIVE finals, oh my...
Right now, in fact would be an opportune time to dig into the endless texts and notes as the kids are at swim practice and the house is fairly silent BUT, I must, just must, blog about an experience I had today that is note worthy.
Today I went to the ATM and withdrew $200 and drove me and the crew over to the Alyssa Diver Cut-A-Thon to get pretty. What is a cut-a-thon you may be wondering?
Well if you back up a few blogs, there is one about a young girl from my community who has been diagnosed with cancer - today, as is customary in good Ole Lake Monticello, a local salon stepped up to help out the Divers family with medical expenses and provided cuts in exchange for donations.
You gotta love people who care enough to take action.
Four our of my six members received new do's and we bought five raffle tickets, ate way too much from the bake sale table and came away with a buzz from all the sugar and good vibes.
The energy around an event of the pro-active community nature is always so positive, it warms the heart of everyone involved, I know it did mine - for sure.
I give major props to all the girls who worked so tirelessly, snipping head after head to get the job done.
When the day ended over $6,000 dollars was raised for this family who surely is facing insurmountable expenses.
Today, after reading her blogs daily, I FINALLY got to wrap my arms around Lynn and hold on to this woman, who on a daily basis I only get to love via the computer.
I have so much respect for her strength and grace under pressure - I cannot tell you how much time I have spent trying to imagine myself into her shoes as a way to gain perspective and find gratefulness.
My most current wished for wish, is that her daughter will heal and live a long, healthy, crazy beautiful life.
I disagree wholeheartedly with children fighting battles of this nature - I know it is the way of life and I know there are no good answers to seek as to why, I know it is what it is - but still, I disagree - with every stubborn fiber of my being, DISAGREE!
The only good thing about cancer (that I can think of) is what I saw today in the faces of all the people that showed up to give cuts and get cuts - TEAM SPIRIT. I threw down some cash, ate cupcakes, chatted with neighbors and was a piece of the collective team, here and ready to do battle behind and on behalf of this family.
This community makes me proud and I am proud to be a part of it - Great job salon DeShano - you gorgeous girls rock so hard.
Far far away, too far away, up in Maine, my other family walked today to raise awareness for children and adults diagnosed with Autism. My best friend's son has Aspergers Syndrome and his awesomely wonderful teacher formed "TEAM COLBY" to not just talk the talk, but walk the walk - literally.
Community spirit at it's best again - Love that teacher for caring enough to back up my family and let them know that they are not alone.
I couldn't be there to walk alongside them and it hurts me to no end, the best I could do was sponsor him from here (all these stupid miles away) and remember to keep him in mind everyday of my life when even the slightest bit of discrimination or intolerance or ignorance rears it's ugly head inside of mine.
So that's about all I have today - A whole lot of team spirit and no studying under my belt.
My grades will surely suffer (sigh) but my conscience and my heart won't, not one little bit.
Now I ask you to say a prayer for Alyssa's healing (if you don't pray - good vibes will do)
And - get educated about Autism, if you aren't already.
Thank you to everyone who does these things - I love you for it.